Nut Job Shitting on Houston Neighborhood

HOUSTON (CBS Houston) – Police are searching for a man who has repeatedly gone to the bathroom in people’s yards leaving a huge mess to clean up.

Residents in the Woodland Heights area are disgusted by an unidentified man who has repeatedly used the bathroom in people’s yards and even hit one specific home six times on Byrne Street. They claim he’s been leaving a nasty mess and they are tired of cleaning up after him.

“This is our neighborhood,” Aimee Parsons told KPRC. “Whatever people think should go on around here — pooping is not okay. We don’t want dogs pooping in our yards why would we want a human?  It is very strange.”

Another resident in the neighborhood is also fed up with the unidentified man.

“It’s definitely not a nice thing to do to people,” Patrick Reese, a neighbor who lives nearby, told KPRC. “Going to the bathroom in their driveway is not nice. That’s definitely not something that’s suppose to go on in polite society.”

A surveillance camera was placed in a tree to try and catch the man in the act. The camera caught several images depicting an older man who is balding with a mustache wearing shorts, KPRC reported.

Precinct One Constable deputies are actively searching for this man and explained that he will likely face an indecent exposure or criminal mischief charge, if caught.

Love the moxie from this nut job. Can’t tell if it’s some sort of revenge tactic or if he ran out of meds and never made it to Walgreens. He could be their neighbor and he’s doing it because no one came to his Labor Day BBQ last year. Or the most likely case; once the moon goes down his alter ego takes over, the Bald Bomber.

A dog leaving a steaming pile of shit in someone’s lawn is one thing, but when a human drops a deuce on your lawn, driveway or anything in between is just hilarious. You may be mad, but at the end of the day you’re going to look back and be like “Some crazy bastard took a shit on my lawn!” There’s a chance you never know who it is, but if Bob down the street with the lap dog that plops out a Prius on your lawn everyday and Bob doesn't pick it up, it's grounds for retaliation. 

PS

He shit on some guy’s lawn 6 times? What the fuck did you do to this guy for him to shit on your lawn 6 times? When you find that special spot, you cherish it. I feel you dawg. 

Top 5 MLB Walk Up Songs

Everyone always asks me, “Had you gone on to play baseball, what would your walk up song be?” I haven’t had to think about it because the song I have in mind is unique and have yet to hear anyone use anything by the same artist.

A couple months ago I went to a Texas A&M baseball game and the announcer calls the second baseman and they start playing his walk up music. The minute it came on I was like this country bumpkin mufug swagger jacked me. Absolutely took my jam. However upset I got I was actually impressed that he used that as his song and went right out and bought a Texas A&M shirt.

My walk up song is as follows:

The original question and experience got me thinking; who has the best walk up song? Figure I would include past and present players. So here’s my list.

5. Josh Reddick, OAK – “Careless Whisper”, George Michael

Power move.  Guy throws up a slow jazz sax solo and lulls the pitcher to sleep. Some people want to get amped up, Reddick just wants to get the ladies wet. A couple seasons ago Josh looked like he lived under a bridge with a mountain man beard and hair to his shoulders. Now he’s clean cut and needed his walk up song to embody who he is. Everyone has to be completely rattled when this comes on the PA. I love it. This guy loves it. Just lost in the moment without a care in the world. Getting his best white suburban dad dance moves going, dry humping the air and embarrassing his teenage daughter (Second video, 30 second mark).

4. Chris Carter, HOU – “Mr. Carter”, Lil Wayne

Last name is Carter. Song was made for him. If there is a song that references your last name you can’t not use it for a walk up song. I don’t give a shit if you don’t like the song, its destiny. It gets the people going and makes you feel a thousand feet tall. Like the Great Hambino just grab your nuts, point to the outfield and crush one to the short porch. Too bad he is a 50/50 hitter; he’s an out or a dinger.

3. Dante Bichette, COL – “Sledgehammer”, Peter Gabriel

The Italian Stallion. Guy was the definition of business up front and party in the back. Mullet rivaled that of the Big Unit. Had a crazy walk to the plate; flip the bat, give the shredded lettuce a quick shake, big ol shoulder shrug with the bat, and then he’d step in. It was only right, he was swinging a sledgehammer and Peter Gabriel just put it to a beat for him. This guy was my favorite player growing up. I was only 8 years old when my dad took me to a game and I demanded we pick up a cassette tape on the way home. Needed it, wanted it, and had to have it. Played that bad boy on loop until the tape gave out, singing the solo getting the grade school breezies all hot and bothered. Mostly bothered

2. Eric Young Jr., COL – “Stuntin’ Like My Daddy”, Lil Wayne

Sometimes you just gotsta get ya groove on. Dad played baseball and you make it to the majors. Can’t stop, won’t stop. Song says it all.

1. Mo Rivera, NYY – “Enter Sandman”, Metallica

The OG. Strikes fear into a batters heart. Word on the street is he didn’t even pick it. The AV guy did it for him. Obviously worked out. Hall of Fame career and an intimidating trot to the mound. Every player had to be shitting a brick every time they heard his name and song called. Not much else to say. Classic.

Honorable mentions:

Jonathan Papelbon, BOS – “Shipping Up to Boston”, Dropkick Murphys

Fucking Massholes

Chipper Jones, ATL – “Crazy Train”, Black Sabbath

Crazy train right to mouth cancer, he and Lenny Dykstra single handedly kept Skoal in business

Ken Griffey Jr., SEA – “Hip Hop Hooray”, Naughty by Nature

Hey Ho, Hey Ho

Andres Galarraga, COL – “Pink Panther”, the movie

Nickname was the Big Cat. I only associate two things with him 1) cats, and 2) Lil Dicky she had a real big cat Andres Galarraga pussy, I hit it real hard Troy Polamalu on that pussy

Trevor Hoffman, SD – “Hells Bells” ACDC

Would have been better to go out with “Big Balls”

Prince Fielder, MIL – “Requiem”, Mozart

Love the moxie by this fat bastard

The Michael Sam Train is at Full Speed

NFL.com - Orders for Michael Sam jerseys are ranking squarely with some of the NFL draft's biggest names, including defensive end Jadeveon Clowney and quarterbacks Johnny Manziel, Blake Bortles and Teddy Bridgewater.

Brian McCarthy, the NFL's vice president of communications, reports via Twitter that those five players lead the early demand among rookies. The rankings were tracked from sales at nflshop.com.

Added NFL PR's Joanna Hunter: "It is unprecedented for a Day 3 draft pick to be one of the top five rookies sold during draft weekend."

Manziel's jersey is atop the list, followed by Sam's, then those of Clowney, Bridgewater and Bortles. It's no doubt the first time a seventh-round draft choice has, at least initially, outsold the No. 1 overall pick in the draft, not to mention three first-round quarterbacks. But as the NFL's first openly gay draft choice, Sam's pro career is set to create firsts of all kinds. The next goal for Sam: Become the NFL's first openly gay player to make a 53-man roster.

He'll be challenged to do so with his new team, the St. Louis Rams, in part because the club already has one of the NFL's best tandems at his defensive end position in Robert Quinn and Chris Long.

But if jersey sales are any indication, he has plenty of people rooting for him to succeed.

Choo Choo! Act now or be banished to the seventh circle of hell!

NFL is selling these jerseys, in Men’s, Women’s, and Youth sizes, like hotcakes.

Great that this guy is being accepted for whom he really is: a sport’s active first openly gay athlete. But the whole situation is tough because the minute you say anything negative in the same sentence and include Sam’s name you will be instantly labeled as a homophobe.

ESPN did live coverage of him getting drafted (out of the seventh round by the way) and how he proceeded to have a wedding-esque cake fight with his boyfriend who, and being completely honest here, catches. Too much PDA. I would have felt awkward had this been AJ McCarron and Katherine Webb. Full blown awkward moment.

Then there was his press conference after he was officially named/signed as a St. Louis Ram. It was the awkward office meeting Michael Scott calls when he finds out that Oscar is gay. Reporters were asking him the most outlandish questions. Do you think your sexuality affected where you went in the draft? How was your secret [about your sexuality] kept? And what were you referring to? Seems like you have had a difficult path and difficult set of circumstances, how did and do you deal with that? Has someone said something to you [about your sexuality] or do you think they will? How do you handle the negativity and comments on social media about you?

Fully expected one to get up on stage and try to hug/kiss the guy. Then yell out, “I did it! I did it!”

Sounded like a kindergarten show and tell circle; um, um, um can you tell us what’s it like to be gay mister? Do you get upset when people call you names? Are they stinky heads? Only Billy Madison would have made this better, “Woah, woah, woah Mr. Sam has the right idea. You can’t just give up when someone calls you a name on or off the field. You get your ass out there and make a fucking play!”

Christ. They beat around the bush fierce and basically wanted to know what it’s like to be a gay man. If someone really wanted to make a splash at this thing they should have asked him does he use throwing around his boyfriend like a ragdoll as practice for when haters are going to hate and he needs to make a “big play”.

You do you Michael Sam. Haters gonna hate and Slaters gonna slate.

PS

Expect an ear full from anyone and everyone if you make the team. Thought the Ritchie Incognito scandal was bad. Can’t wait for Sam to make a mental note of everything said to him and comes out with a book.

Double PS

I don’t want to be labeled as a conspiracy theorist, but what if this is a sneaky move science project by Sam? Like got all of you good, I’m not gay! Just wanted to see what would happen. I’ve had babies and baby mamas this whole time!

Jordan Lynch Just Put Tim Tebow's Career On Notice

ESPN - The Chicago Bears announced deals on Sunday with nine undrafted free agents, highlighted by former Northern Illinois quarterback Jordan Lynch, who will try to make the team as a running back.

Lynch told the Chicago Sun-Times that it was "not at all" a tough decision to change positions to try to make it at the next level.

The newspaper reported that Lynch worked out for the Bears at his pro day as a quarterback, but team officials also lined him up at running back, preparing him for the possibility of a position switch. General manager Phil Emery planted the seed that he could play running back that day, and the position switch was cemented when coach Marc Trestman called Lynch on Saturday as the NFL draft was ending.

"I just wanted my shot and my opportunity to be in the NFL, and the Bears were the team," Lynch told the Sun-Times. "I really respect him calling me. ... He seems like a coach I want to be around."

Lynch, who grew up rooting for the Bears, thought the team wouldn't have room for him this season after it drafted San Jose State quarterback David Fales in the sixth round.

But then came Trestman's call later Saturday.

"He said, 'Look, man, I want you here,'" agent Cliff Brady told the Chicago Tribune. "Trestman told him, 'I have 10 different things I can do with you -- come with us. Come here and we'll make it work."

Lynch, 23, threw for 2,892 yards and 24 touchdowns during his senior season with the Huskies. He also rushed for 1,920 yards and 23 touchdowns and finished third in Heisman voting.

"You want as many athletes who can do as many things as possible, and he certainly presents options that way," Emery said Saturday, according to the Tribune. "But the thing that I was really impressed with [was] just his skill as a runner."

Lynch told the Tribune that he's not concerned what position he plays for the Bears. He just wants to make the team.

"Whatever I can do to help a team out, I'm willing to do," he told the newspaper. "I'll run down the field on special teams."

Absolutely love the move and commitment by Jordan Lynch. Savvy veteran move by a rookie. Whatever he can do to help a team out he’s willing to do.

Hey Timmy Te-blow, can you see Canada from your saddle you ass clown? Get off your high horse and listening up, listen real good. This is how you approach any situation in life. You walk in, throw your pride to the wind and ask the coach what can I do to help this team win? If he tells you pick up after the quarterback, you make sure your head is so far up that guy’s ass and he has to fart, you already know about it. Commitment like that and willingness to go the extra mile has value. Next thing you Lynch could be on the field laying wood or tossing darts to Bears wideouts.

In his heart of hearts Lynch wants to be a quarterback. But realizes that might not happen. So he does the next best thing and says I just want to play football. He finished 3^rd in Heisman voting, which isn't that easy to do if you aren't an athlete and a competitor. The guy ran for nearly 2,000 yards...as a quarterback. He’s built like a brick shit house at 6’ 217. Let him play both sides of the ball, bulldozing guys on his way to the red zone and laying the wood in the open field.

This day and age you need players to be multi dimensional. Philly took the hint and signed a kicker with the best nickname in the game, “Murder Leg”. Guy can punt, kick field goals and run dudes over. Lumber Liquidator City. 

Roll the highlights:

PS

Anybody know what Tebow is doing these days? Last time I saw him he was providing color commentary for the National Championship with Johnny Football. Guy legitimately needs public speaking skills. He was up there drooling on himself, not knowing what he should do with his hands and looking like a fool.

MLB All Star Voting

The MLB All Star game has its place.

It gives players a much needed break from a complete grind for 162 games.

The Home Run derby can be exciting, emotional, and most times a giant dick measuring contest. You can’t tell me those guys aren’t chirping at each other saying they hit it further, higher, harder, and blah blah blah.

A real power move would be to write your phone number on the balls and aim for the breezies sitting in the outfield bleachers.

The All Star game itself is an absolute joke. It’s the most arbitrary thing to decide who gets home field advantage in the World Series. Might as well have a tickle fight on the diamond. You can’t tell me that players legitimately try. If anything the just try to go yard and pitchers want to do the damn thing and strike mother fuckers out.

All Star voting is rigged as shit too. You have people like this:

Just grabbing handfuls of ballots because they have no life and it gives them some downtime in between sewing together their next skin suit. That way they can throw the vote because they submitted 100,000 ballots with Robbie Grossman on it. Ridiculous.  

You want to vote for someone? Kevin Frandsen with the behind the back, no look catch. Brass balls and a horse cock move by an average player. Crab cakes, Football, and shit like this is what Maryland does. 

Andrew Wiggins Who?

The NBA draft is coming up and every team has a hard on for Andrew Wiggins.

Jerry “Crypt Keeper” Jones passed on Johnny Football and broke the hearts of Dallas fans. New 76ers GM can’t afford to make an executive decision. Gotta give the people what they want, need to give them what they want. No doubt about it, they will blow their load on this guy with the second overall pick.

Fans and City of Philly just getting their “O” face on for the foreseeable future. Wiggins will have a successful career, but I’m calling bust. Need to start scouting the silver fox from Houston; swag for days and already has a pair of Goodwill D-Rose 4.5s.

Lots of players have promising potential but everything is a calculated risk. Plenty of street ballers could have and should have been NBA stars but addiction, injuries, and playing on a YMCA court their entire life didn’t get them to where they needed to be. The Silver Fox is ready for the spotlight and I have a gut feeling he has a mean crossover and a jumper that would rival the late great Sandy Lyle.

He’s sly, he’s cunning, has hair that’s feathered and lethal, and he walks with a limp. You want a championship Philly? You better send me a contract stat, because the minute he makes an athletic move toward that curb he dislocates a hip like Bo Jackson. 

Teams need to strike while the iron is hot. 

Vito's BACKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I already told you guys that I was a wealthy business man and don’t have time for this, but after a brief hiatus, Big Dick is Back in Town.

I'll be back on the grind droppin rhymes and snortin lines. 

#getatme