Farting in Public

I used to think this was the worst thing in the world. Maybe it was the traumatic trips to blockbuster as a kid. My dad and I would be casually browsing the VHS tapes and out of nowhere this guy would lift his leg and rip ass. A little back story on this; my dad is a blue collar worker, through and through, and effectively ate fast food for the btter half of a decade. So when he'd lift his leg and let it squeal it wasn't just a quick....and we're done type thing. They were generally full bodied and would linger for several minutes at a time.

Anyways, I already filled you in on my poor existence as a cube monkey, but a perk of my job is that I am essentially a full season ticket holder to the worst team in the MLB. That is purely a statement of fact and not a reflection of my thoughts and opinions.

It's opening week and the Yanks are in town. So I made sure to get tickets to all three games for a couple of reasons, 1) I can, 2) It's Jeter's last series in town, and 3) I hate Yankee's fans. I strategeically chose what section my tickets were in so I could annoy as many fans as possible. This basically meant me yelling about how Jeter wears women's clothing, CC Sabathia is still fat, and shitting my pants until someone noticed. It was dollar dog night tonight, so I of course gorged myself just tomake sure I had a little something extra special brewing in the tank.

A group of fans sat through my toxic fumes through the bottom of the 7th, before I had to get up and do my best Fletcher Reed and yell at them. I was gagging myself and just couldn't take it anymore.

I'm sure I need a clean pair of shorts, but was this acceptable? I figured if I could gas of the opposing team's fans that it would in some way, shape or form help my team to win. Plus it would have been a small victory for me, after all the Yankees have 24 World Series championships and the LAstros have a few more seasons of this before they are relevant again:

White Nonsense Craigslist Post

So I have been looking for a new apartment and I have turned to Craigslist to find a place because I am poor. Now, it is a fact that most of the people that post anything on Craigslist are flat out bat shit insane or retarded and have no grasp of reality, common sense or courtesy. With that said, you occasionally come across a apartment listing that is just so over the op that is must me shared with the world. I came across this title the other day:

"HUGE ROOM and GOOD VIBES in 3BR"
Link: http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/roo/4397549805.htm

So this is one of those houses where the tenants feel like their fellow renters need to conform to their obscene views on life and want to create a miniature hippie Burning Man drum circle commune. So let's check out some of the highlights.

The Roommates:

"25 year vegetarian with a long-standing meditation practice and blossoming ashtanga practice. occasionally shares gluten free baked treats. other interests include: urban agriculture, non-violent social movements, medicinal herbs/ayurveda, and re-imagining cities. hopes for this year: to sing more, become conversationally fluent in spanish and revive my inner artist"

What in the shit does ashtanga mean? Is that like a African butt plug or something? Non-violent social movements? You're not Martin Luther King. Re-imagining cities? So do you see a skyscraper and think "I see I giant sandcastle". 

"Believes that maple syrup is the right condiment for almost anything."

Your'e definitely a fatty. 100%

House Rules: 

"our common spaces are intentionally tv-free"

I don't want to talk to you so if I cannot have tv you might as well give me a bottle of Jack and a hand gun. 

"we consciously do not use the following in the house: artificial fragrance, heavy perfumes, toxic cleaners, pesticides, and smoke. (if you have questions about this, please just ask)"

I am sure you all smell like straight baby vomit that has fermented in a jar for a few months and then added to dark yellow piss from a hungover sorority girl. 

"in the past we have had small intentional gatherings, including brunch, group meditations/body practices, board game nights, documentary nights, seedling starter workshops, community organizing events, nothing raucous. "

Seedling starter workshops? What in the fuckin shit is that? Is there a farm on this property? Will I be able to use my newfound skills on seedlings to create a new forest where I can hunt the most dangerous game aka my new roommates? 

What They Look for in a Roommate: 

"we hope you will be excited about living with/being around: queer folks, people who challenge white supremacy/privilege/male dominance within themselves and others, folks of varying gender expression/identity who have visible body hair (or don't). If these things might make you uncomfortable, then this will not be a good fit."

The whole challenge white supremacy/privilege comment means that they are for sure white people. Only white people say white nonsense like that shit. And no I best not see visible body hair combined with the whole no fragrances rule because that's a situation asking for me to lose my lunch. 

Questions I Would Have to Answer: 

Sound just lovely? Please reply with:
[ ]a name to call you
Sticky Finger Bandit
[ ]a bit about yourself
I'm fat, love watching sports, never buy organic food, hate hippies and thereby love America
[ ]specifically, why you are interested in our situation
I am not. Could not pay me to not poison you if I was forced to live with you 
[ ]what type of community do you want to create?
A world free of hippie drum circles that supports capitalism 
[ ]why you are leaving your current digs?
Mind your own god damned business you NSA spy
[ ]any concerns or questions we can answer/clarify?
Who in the fuck in their right mind would want to sign up for this shit, how long are your dreads, were you a Women and Gender Studies major or Philosophy? 
[ ]phone number and email
Eat a chode 


I sent these answers to them a few days ago and never got a reply. Guess they didn't like me keeping it real in the hood. 

Swag Daddy Sighting: Downtown

So apparently this guy is a staple in the Houston and Greater Heights areas.


First time I've seen him and I can't get enough. Anywhere I see this SOB, I'm documenting it. Like a Where's Waldo bit, but instead I'm looking for the greased up guido, dressed like a sea captain, swinging big dick and wandering wherever the winds take him to pillage his next crop of sorority broads.

He's either independently wealthy, and very independently wealthy or he just does not and cannot give a fuck as to what people think. You walk out of the house dressed like that, you are committed to looking like a complete fucking dick. I bet when people ask him why he's dressed like that he gives them some crazy analogy: I got my balls enlarged to 12 and a half pounds apiece, I like heavy nuts, I want them to swing like a lunch bag when I am talking to lunatics like you*. In so many words, he does what he wants, when he wants.

*That was a Dov Davidoff joke, check him out. Guy is bananas but he is worth a couple laughs.

Don Baylor's Leg Going All Sorts of HAM

Is it possible Don Baylor is a most interesting man candidate?

Let's get a quick recap:

-AL MVP
-World Series Champ
-NL Manager of the Year
-3 Time Silver Slugger
-Sportsman through and through (Roberto Clemente Award)
-Hip hop dance move mogul?

Video's have been blowing up the interweb with whatever happened to Don Baylor's knee and/or leg last night.

Just going to catch the ceremonial pitch, no big deal. Not sure if Vlad was throwing gas or Don Baylor's athletic days are over, either way the minute he caught that ball something else took over: his inner dance fiend showed up and that peacock just needed to fly!

I call it the spaghetti leg.

Opening Day 2014

Baseball is back!

Opening night was technically on Sunday, yeah yeah quit raining on my parade. The fact of the matter is that baseball is back for the foreseeable future. October through February is the longest 5 month stretch of my life. I don't know how pregnant women wait 9 months for something to happen. Maybe it's because I have ADD or because my team has been wildly mediocre for it's entire 20 year existence. 

The start of the season brings a renewed hope. Opening day is a saucy minx who will tempt you with the possibility of your team making a run at 162-0, but after awhile you realize that your only shot at being with this girl is to get blackout drunk and throw up all over her out of spite. But of course you tell your friends it was because you had whiskey dick, didn't bring a condom, your parents called and gam gam died, and the list goes on and on and on. I've seen it a 100 times. 

So my experience last night was being able to tune into a tie game for about 10 seconds before Jose Fernandez threw Cuban heat, the Miami Marlins dropped a 40 burger on my team (They lost 10-1, but in baseball terms they might as well have put up 40 runs) and I said to my self that it is the first game and we already look like a cheap whore who can't even deep throat: pitiful and worthless. 

Regardless of whether or not you like baseball, you root for a specific team, or you are a die hard fan of a perennial loser Opening Day is a sign that better things are on the horizon: sunny weather, short shorts and bikinis, beer, bitches, and banging. Summer is here!!!

PS

I put $1000 bucks on the LAstros to win it all this year. Mogul Move or should I have just set that grand on fire? Don't care, did it for the love of the game.

Double PS

Instantly regretted putting that much paper on the Stros. 

Triple PS

Stros coach looks real prepared for the season

Tigers Bobble Scherzer Likeness: Nailed It.

Somebody in Detroit said fuck authority and swung some big dick on this Bobble Scherzer. Quality control, whatever bro, I'm sure it looks fine. If by fine you mean a lazy eyed version of Freddie Cruger peering into your soul and haunting your dreams, then it's fine. 

PS

Spot on bobble head of Max Scherzer in real life. 

Houston Horse Police Bag themselves a Bum

Bum is just minding his business, trying to maintain his buzz off the smell of his breath, and arguing with his 6 imaginary friends then.........BAM

He gets taken down by the Four Horsemen on Houston's mean streets.

$20 says he was jaywalking when they realized that everyone in the world jaywalks, decided to sprinkle some crack on him and cite him for possession and resisting.

PS

The guy is down for the count and they have him surrounded like he's going to shoot out of the gates like Usain Bolt. Bananas