So I have been looking for a new apartment and I have turned to Craigslist to find a place because I am poor. Now, it is a fact that most of the people that post anything on Craigslist are flat out bat shit insane or retarded and have no grasp of reality, common sense or courtesy. With that said, you occasionally come across a apartment listing that is just so over the op that is must me shared with the world. I came across this title the other day:
"HUGE ROOM and GOOD VIBES in 3BR"
Link: http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/roo/4397549805.htm
So this is one of those houses where the tenants feel like their fellow renters need to conform to their obscene views on life and want to create a miniature hippie Burning Man drum circle commune. So let's check out some of the highlights.
The Roommates:
"25 year vegetarian with a long-standing meditation practice and blossoming ashtanga practice. occasionally shares gluten free baked treats. other interests include: urban agriculture, non-violent social movements, medicinal herbs/ayurveda, and re-imagining cities. hopes for this year: to sing more, become conversationally fluent in spanish and revive my inner artist"
What in the shit does ashtanga mean? Is that like a African butt plug or something? Non-violent social movements? You're not Martin Luther King. Re-imagining cities? So do you see a skyscraper and think "I see I giant sandcastle".
"Believes that maple syrup is the right condiment for almost anything."
Your'e definitely a fatty. 100%
House Rules:
"our common spaces are intentionally tv-free"
I don't want to talk to you so if I cannot have tv you might as well give me a bottle of Jack and a hand gun.
"we consciously do not use the following in the house: artificial fragrance, heavy perfumes, toxic cleaners, pesticides, and smoke. (if you have questions about this, please just ask)"
I am sure you all smell like straight baby vomit that has fermented in a jar for a few months and then added to dark yellow piss from a hungover sorority girl.
"in the past we have had small intentional gatherings, including brunch, group meditations/body practices, board game nights, documentary nights, seedling starter workshops, community organizing events, nothing raucous. "
Seedling starter workshops? What in the fuckin shit is that? Is there a farm on this property? Will I be able to use my newfound skills on seedlings to create a new forest where I can hunt the most dangerous game aka my new roommates?
What They Look for in a Roommate:
"we hope you will be excited about living with/being around: queer folks, people who challenge white supremacy/privilege/male dominance within themselves and others, folks of varying gender expression/identity who have visible body hair (or don't). If these things might make you uncomfortable, then this will not be a good fit."
The whole challenge white supremacy/privilege comment means that they are for sure white people. Only white people say white nonsense like that shit. And no I best not see visible body hair combined with the whole no fragrances rule because that's a situation asking for me to lose my lunch.
Questions I Would Have to Answer:
Sound just lovely? Please reply with:
[ ]a name to call you
Sticky Finger Bandit
[ ]a bit about yourself
I'm fat, love watching sports, never buy organic food, hate hippies and thereby love America
[ ]specifically, why you are interested in our situation
I am not. Could not pay me to not poison you if I was forced to live with you
[ ]what type of community do you want to create?
A world free of hippie drum circles that supports capitalism
[ ]why you are leaving your current digs?
Mind your own god damned business you NSA spy
[ ]any concerns or questions we can answer/clarify?
Who in the fuck in their right mind would want to sign up for this shit, how long are your dreads, were you a Women and Gender Studies major or Philosophy?
[ ]phone number and email
Eat a chode
I sent these answers to them a few days ago and never got a reply. Guess they didn't like me keeping it real in the hood.
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