Nut Job Shitting on Houston Neighborhood

HOUSTON (CBS Houston) – Police are searching for a man who has repeatedly gone to the bathroom in people’s yards leaving a huge mess to clean up.

Residents in the Woodland Heights area are disgusted by an unidentified man who has repeatedly used the bathroom in people’s yards and even hit one specific home six times on Byrne Street. They claim he’s been leaving a nasty mess and they are tired of cleaning up after him.

“This is our neighborhood,” Aimee Parsons told KPRC. “Whatever people think should go on around here — pooping is not okay. We don’t want dogs pooping in our yards why would we want a human?  It is very strange.”

Another resident in the neighborhood is also fed up with the unidentified man.

“It’s definitely not a nice thing to do to people,” Patrick Reese, a neighbor who lives nearby, told KPRC. “Going to the bathroom in their driveway is not nice. That’s definitely not something that’s suppose to go on in polite society.”

A surveillance camera was placed in a tree to try and catch the man in the act. The camera caught several images depicting an older man who is balding with a mustache wearing shorts, KPRC reported.

Precinct One Constable deputies are actively searching for this man and explained that he will likely face an indecent exposure or criminal mischief charge, if caught.

Love the moxie from this nut job. Can’t tell if it’s some sort of revenge tactic or if he ran out of meds and never made it to Walgreens. He could be their neighbor and he’s doing it because no one came to his Labor Day BBQ last year. Or the most likely case; once the moon goes down his alter ego takes over, the Bald Bomber.

A dog leaving a steaming pile of shit in someone’s lawn is one thing, but when a human drops a deuce on your lawn, driveway or anything in between is just hilarious. You may be mad, but at the end of the day you’re going to look back and be like “Some crazy bastard took a shit on my lawn!” There’s a chance you never know who it is, but if Bob down the street with the lap dog that plops out a Prius on your lawn everyday and Bob doesn't pick it up, it's grounds for retaliation. 

PS

He shit on some guy’s lawn 6 times? What the fuck did you do to this guy for him to shit on your lawn 6 times? When you find that special spot, you cherish it. I feel you dawg. 

Top 5 MLB Walk Up Songs

Everyone always asks me, “Had you gone on to play baseball, what would your walk up song be?” I haven’t had to think about it because the song I have in mind is unique and have yet to hear anyone use anything by the same artist.

A couple months ago I went to a Texas A&M baseball game and the announcer calls the second baseman and they start playing his walk up music. The minute it came on I was like this country bumpkin mufug swagger jacked me. Absolutely took my jam. However upset I got I was actually impressed that he used that as his song and went right out and bought a Texas A&M shirt.

My walk up song is as follows:

The original question and experience got me thinking; who has the best walk up song? Figure I would include past and present players. So here’s my list.

5. Josh Reddick, OAK – “Careless Whisper”, George Michael

Power move.  Guy throws up a slow jazz sax solo and lulls the pitcher to sleep. Some people want to get amped up, Reddick just wants to get the ladies wet. A couple seasons ago Josh looked like he lived under a bridge with a mountain man beard and hair to his shoulders. Now he’s clean cut and needed his walk up song to embody who he is. Everyone has to be completely rattled when this comes on the PA. I love it. This guy loves it. Just lost in the moment without a care in the world. Getting his best white suburban dad dance moves going, dry humping the air and embarrassing his teenage daughter (Second video, 30 second mark).

4. Chris Carter, HOU – “Mr. Carter”, Lil Wayne

Last name is Carter. Song was made for him. If there is a song that references your last name you can’t not use it for a walk up song. I don’t give a shit if you don’t like the song, its destiny. It gets the people going and makes you feel a thousand feet tall. Like the Great Hambino just grab your nuts, point to the outfield and crush one to the short porch. Too bad he is a 50/50 hitter; he’s an out or a dinger.

3. Dante Bichette, COL – “Sledgehammer”, Peter Gabriel

The Italian Stallion. Guy was the definition of business up front and party in the back. Mullet rivaled that of the Big Unit. Had a crazy walk to the plate; flip the bat, give the shredded lettuce a quick shake, big ol shoulder shrug with the bat, and then he’d step in. It was only right, he was swinging a sledgehammer and Peter Gabriel just put it to a beat for him. This guy was my favorite player growing up. I was only 8 years old when my dad took me to a game and I demanded we pick up a cassette tape on the way home. Needed it, wanted it, and had to have it. Played that bad boy on loop until the tape gave out, singing the solo getting the grade school breezies all hot and bothered. Mostly bothered

2. Eric Young Jr., COL – “Stuntin’ Like My Daddy”, Lil Wayne

Sometimes you just gotsta get ya groove on. Dad played baseball and you make it to the majors. Can’t stop, won’t stop. Song says it all.

1. Mo Rivera, NYY – “Enter Sandman”, Metallica

The OG. Strikes fear into a batters heart. Word on the street is he didn’t even pick it. The AV guy did it for him. Obviously worked out. Hall of Fame career and an intimidating trot to the mound. Every player had to be shitting a brick every time they heard his name and song called. Not much else to say. Classic.

Honorable mentions:

Jonathan Papelbon, BOS – “Shipping Up to Boston”, Dropkick Murphys

Fucking Massholes

Chipper Jones, ATL – “Crazy Train”, Black Sabbath

Crazy train right to mouth cancer, he and Lenny Dykstra single handedly kept Skoal in business

Ken Griffey Jr., SEA – “Hip Hop Hooray”, Naughty by Nature

Hey Ho, Hey Ho

Andres Galarraga, COL – “Pink Panther”, the movie

Nickname was the Big Cat. I only associate two things with him 1) cats, and 2) Lil Dicky she had a real big cat Andres Galarraga pussy, I hit it real hard Troy Polamalu on that pussy

Trevor Hoffman, SD – “Hells Bells” ACDC

Would have been better to go out with “Big Balls”

Prince Fielder, MIL – “Requiem”, Mozart

Love the moxie by this fat bastard

The Michael Sam Train is at Full Speed

NFL.com - Orders for Michael Sam jerseys are ranking squarely with some of the NFL draft's biggest names, including defensive end Jadeveon Clowney and quarterbacks Johnny Manziel, Blake Bortles and Teddy Bridgewater.

Brian McCarthy, the NFL's vice president of communications, reports via Twitter that those five players lead the early demand among rookies. The rankings were tracked from sales at nflshop.com.

Added NFL PR's Joanna Hunter: "It is unprecedented for a Day 3 draft pick to be one of the top five rookies sold during draft weekend."

Manziel's jersey is atop the list, followed by Sam's, then those of Clowney, Bridgewater and Bortles. It's no doubt the first time a seventh-round draft choice has, at least initially, outsold the No. 1 overall pick in the draft, not to mention three first-round quarterbacks. But as the NFL's first openly gay draft choice, Sam's pro career is set to create firsts of all kinds. The next goal for Sam: Become the NFL's first openly gay player to make a 53-man roster.

He'll be challenged to do so with his new team, the St. Louis Rams, in part because the club already has one of the NFL's best tandems at his defensive end position in Robert Quinn and Chris Long.

But if jersey sales are any indication, he has plenty of people rooting for him to succeed.

Choo Choo! Act now or be banished to the seventh circle of hell!

NFL is selling these jerseys, in Men’s, Women’s, and Youth sizes, like hotcakes.

Great that this guy is being accepted for whom he really is: a sport’s active first openly gay athlete. But the whole situation is tough because the minute you say anything negative in the same sentence and include Sam’s name you will be instantly labeled as a homophobe.

ESPN did live coverage of him getting drafted (out of the seventh round by the way) and how he proceeded to have a wedding-esque cake fight with his boyfriend who, and being completely honest here, catches. Too much PDA. I would have felt awkward had this been AJ McCarron and Katherine Webb. Full blown awkward moment.

Then there was his press conference after he was officially named/signed as a St. Louis Ram. It was the awkward office meeting Michael Scott calls when he finds out that Oscar is gay. Reporters were asking him the most outlandish questions. Do you think your sexuality affected where you went in the draft? How was your secret [about your sexuality] kept? And what were you referring to? Seems like you have had a difficult path and difficult set of circumstances, how did and do you deal with that? Has someone said something to you [about your sexuality] or do you think they will? How do you handle the negativity and comments on social media about you?

Fully expected one to get up on stage and try to hug/kiss the guy. Then yell out, “I did it! I did it!”

Sounded like a kindergarten show and tell circle; um, um, um can you tell us what’s it like to be gay mister? Do you get upset when people call you names? Are they stinky heads? Only Billy Madison would have made this better, “Woah, woah, woah Mr. Sam has the right idea. You can’t just give up when someone calls you a name on or off the field. You get your ass out there and make a fucking play!”

Christ. They beat around the bush fierce and basically wanted to know what it’s like to be a gay man. If someone really wanted to make a splash at this thing they should have asked him does he use throwing around his boyfriend like a ragdoll as practice for when haters are going to hate and he needs to make a “big play”.

You do you Michael Sam. Haters gonna hate and Slaters gonna slate.

PS

Expect an ear full from anyone and everyone if you make the team. Thought the Ritchie Incognito scandal was bad. Can’t wait for Sam to make a mental note of everything said to him and comes out with a book.

Double PS

I don’t want to be labeled as a conspiracy theorist, but what if this is a sneaky move science project by Sam? Like got all of you good, I’m not gay! Just wanted to see what would happen. I’ve had babies and baby mamas this whole time!

Jordan Lynch Just Put Tim Tebow's Career On Notice

ESPN - The Chicago Bears announced deals on Sunday with nine undrafted free agents, highlighted by former Northern Illinois quarterback Jordan Lynch, who will try to make the team as a running back.

Lynch told the Chicago Sun-Times that it was "not at all" a tough decision to change positions to try to make it at the next level.

The newspaper reported that Lynch worked out for the Bears at his pro day as a quarterback, but team officials also lined him up at running back, preparing him for the possibility of a position switch. General manager Phil Emery planted the seed that he could play running back that day, and the position switch was cemented when coach Marc Trestman called Lynch on Saturday as the NFL draft was ending.

"I just wanted my shot and my opportunity to be in the NFL, and the Bears were the team," Lynch told the Sun-Times. "I really respect him calling me. ... He seems like a coach I want to be around."

Lynch, who grew up rooting for the Bears, thought the team wouldn't have room for him this season after it drafted San Jose State quarterback David Fales in the sixth round.

But then came Trestman's call later Saturday.

"He said, 'Look, man, I want you here,'" agent Cliff Brady told the Chicago Tribune. "Trestman told him, 'I have 10 different things I can do with you -- come with us. Come here and we'll make it work."

Lynch, 23, threw for 2,892 yards and 24 touchdowns during his senior season with the Huskies. He also rushed for 1,920 yards and 23 touchdowns and finished third in Heisman voting.

"You want as many athletes who can do as many things as possible, and he certainly presents options that way," Emery said Saturday, according to the Tribune. "But the thing that I was really impressed with [was] just his skill as a runner."

Lynch told the Tribune that he's not concerned what position he plays for the Bears. He just wants to make the team.

"Whatever I can do to help a team out, I'm willing to do," he told the newspaper. "I'll run down the field on special teams."

Absolutely love the move and commitment by Jordan Lynch. Savvy veteran move by a rookie. Whatever he can do to help a team out he’s willing to do.

Hey Timmy Te-blow, can you see Canada from your saddle you ass clown? Get off your high horse and listening up, listen real good. This is how you approach any situation in life. You walk in, throw your pride to the wind and ask the coach what can I do to help this team win? If he tells you pick up after the quarterback, you make sure your head is so far up that guy’s ass and he has to fart, you already know about it. Commitment like that and willingness to go the extra mile has value. Next thing you Lynch could be on the field laying wood or tossing darts to Bears wideouts.

In his heart of hearts Lynch wants to be a quarterback. But realizes that might not happen. So he does the next best thing and says I just want to play football. He finished 3^rd in Heisman voting, which isn't that easy to do if you aren't an athlete and a competitor. The guy ran for nearly 2,000 yards...as a quarterback. He’s built like a brick shit house at 6’ 217. Let him play both sides of the ball, bulldozing guys on his way to the red zone and laying the wood in the open field.

This day and age you need players to be multi dimensional. Philly took the hint and signed a kicker with the best nickname in the game, “Murder Leg”. Guy can punt, kick field goals and run dudes over. Lumber Liquidator City. 

Roll the highlights:

PS

Anybody know what Tebow is doing these days? Last time I saw him he was providing color commentary for the National Championship with Johnny Football. Guy legitimately needs public speaking skills. He was up there drooling on himself, not knowing what he should do with his hands and looking like a fool.

MLB All Star Voting

The MLB All Star game has its place.

It gives players a much needed break from a complete grind for 162 games.

The Home Run derby can be exciting, emotional, and most times a giant dick measuring contest. You can’t tell me those guys aren’t chirping at each other saying they hit it further, higher, harder, and blah blah blah.

A real power move would be to write your phone number on the balls and aim for the breezies sitting in the outfield bleachers.

The All Star game itself is an absolute joke. It’s the most arbitrary thing to decide who gets home field advantage in the World Series. Might as well have a tickle fight on the diamond. You can’t tell me that players legitimately try. If anything the just try to go yard and pitchers want to do the damn thing and strike mother fuckers out.

All Star voting is rigged as shit too. You have people like this:

Just grabbing handfuls of ballots because they have no life and it gives them some downtime in between sewing together their next skin suit. That way they can throw the vote because they submitted 100,000 ballots with Robbie Grossman on it. Ridiculous.  

You want to vote for someone? Kevin Frandsen with the behind the back, no look catch. Brass balls and a horse cock move by an average player. Crab cakes, Football, and shit like this is what Maryland does. 

Andrew Wiggins Who?

The NBA draft is coming up and every team has a hard on for Andrew Wiggins.

Jerry “Crypt Keeper” Jones passed on Johnny Football and broke the hearts of Dallas fans. New 76ers GM can’t afford to make an executive decision. Gotta give the people what they want, need to give them what they want. No doubt about it, they will blow their load on this guy with the second overall pick.

Fans and City of Philly just getting their “O” face on for the foreseeable future. Wiggins will have a successful career, but I’m calling bust. Need to start scouting the silver fox from Houston; swag for days and already has a pair of Goodwill D-Rose 4.5s.

Lots of players have promising potential but everything is a calculated risk. Plenty of street ballers could have and should have been NBA stars but addiction, injuries, and playing on a YMCA court their entire life didn’t get them to where they needed to be. The Silver Fox is ready for the spotlight and I have a gut feeling he has a mean crossover and a jumper that would rival the late great Sandy Lyle.

He’s sly, he’s cunning, has hair that’s feathered and lethal, and he walks with a limp. You want a championship Philly? You better send me a contract stat, because the minute he makes an athletic move toward that curb he dislocates a hip like Bo Jackson. 

Teams need to strike while the iron is hot. 

Vito's BACKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I already told you guys that I was a wealthy business man and don’t have time for this, but after a brief hiatus, Big Dick is Back in Town.

I'll be back on the grind droppin rhymes and snortin lines. 

#getatme

Watch and Learn Mikey P

So I was watching the MLB Daily Recaps yesterday. Figured I would watch the Astros vs. Nationals recap. I was at the game, but left early and wanted to see just how Josh Fields took it up the ass blew a save opportunity.

Well after the little intro thing MLB does, they pan to Jarred Cosart. Took me a second to see it but I noticed something about his hat. Maybe it's the camera angle, maybe it's chalk or rosin, but the bottom line it looks awfully fishy. Cue the cartoon detective solving a mystery theme music.

Pine tar under the brim of your hat is not going to be as noticeable when compared to the Exxon Valdez oil spill Pineda had on his neck the other night. To the point though, Jarred Cosart and every other pitcher in the history of the universe put Michael Pineda on notice: if you are going to cheat do it responsibly you ass clown.

PS
It didn't help Cosart all that much because the very next pitch he served up a fastball with no movement, down the pipe for Jason Werth to take yard.

Shaq Is Winning LinkedIn

This is game over. I can't compete with this profile. Thought the 500+ connections was a real benchmark of how well I was doing in the dick measuring contest we call LinkedIn.

Just imagine Shaq reading this to you in that silky smooth Barry White voice and some slow jams bumping in the background:

"I'm working on a lot of different ventures. My best asset is that I am proven to lead teams to championships. I mean multiple championships." 

Christ. This has to be the worst piece of work done by Shaq since Steel

Just a steaming pile of worthless dog shit. Please for the love of god hire someone to write things for you and go back to the Icy Hot commercials and getting stuffed into Buick. 

Zero Fucks Given by Ace Matt Harvey, Starts Internet Trend

Matt Harvey doing what Matt Harvey does: Doing whatever, whenever and to whomever. Just like Kenny Powers, striking motherfuckers out, slaying babes, and saying (or tweeting in this case) whatever he wants. Dude is swing a big dick and dragging brass balls right behind it. Other examples: He told the Mets he wanted to rehab in New York because Florida sucks and sitting courtside with a certified smoke that he probably pulled the ole fuck and chuck with.  

He tweeted out this pic (yeah this is from Instagram sue me) saying he couldn’t believe that it had been 6 months since his TJ surgery. Bold strategy. Harvey said he didn’t want to cause a stir or create bad press for the Mets because he thought it was a funny picture and that it was his account. Shortly after he deleted the pic and shortly thereafter deleted his entire twitter account. What a shame. Figured this pic would be to Matt Harvey what the plane in fat girl pussy pic was to US Airways: instant street cred.

Bottom line? It is his account and should be able to do whatever the fuck he wants. Unfortunately the days of Roger Clemens, Kenny Stabler, Jason Giambi, Dennis Rodman, and other party animals are over. You are under constant scrutiny and everything you do will be misconstrued to the point where you just want to live under a rock until it’s your turn out on the bump or on the gridiron or hardwood. You get a video taken of you shaking it more than twice and boom suddenly there are rumors spreading that you’re gay. Or you drink a little too much and end up passed out in a pile of garbage on the mean streets of Beantown like Tyler Seguin and you get labeled as an alcoholic. Psh, maybe he is having an awesome time and just really likes to party.  

PS

What an absolute hardoooo move by Harvey saying he wanted to be graceful, humble and out of the spotlight when it came stardom just like Jeter.

Double PS

Even better and surely will add fuel to the fire: You get an internet trend started called #harveying. 

S/O Barstool Sports, KFC in particular 

Ray Lewis is Getting a Statue in Baltimore

CBS Sports - The Johnny Unitas statue that stands outside of M&T Bank Stadium in Baltimore is about to have some permanent company. Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti said this week that he hopes to have a Ray Lewis statue up before the 2014 NFL season kicks off.

According to Bisciotti, artist Frederick Kail is well on his way to making that happen. Kail is the same artist who sculpted the Unitas statue.

"He's well into it," Bisciotti told ESPN.com. "I haven't seen any progress pictures, but the original stuff was just off the charts. We think we'll have it done before the season starts."

Bisciotti first announced plans for a Lewis statue after the Ravens won Super Bowl XLVII over the 49ers in February 2013. However, at the time, Bisciotti said it was probably a 'year or two' away.

The statue won't be the first time the Ravens have honored Lewis, the team also honored him last season when he became the sixth player in franchise history to be inducted into Baltimore's Ring of Honor. Lewis joined running back Jamal Lewis (2012), kicker Matt Stover (2011), tackle Jonathan Ogden (2008), outside linebacker Peter Boulware (2006) and defensive end Michael McCrary (2004).

Lewis spent his entire 17-year career in Baltimore and during that time he won two Super Bowls, made 13 Pro Bowl appearances and won two Defensive Player of the Year awards (2000, 2003). He was also named the best middle linebacker in football history -- that honor was given to him by Brian Urlacher.

Ray Lewis was a great player. No doubt one of the greats to play the Middle Linebacker position. He won two super bowls, the first in 2000 was the first for the city of Baltimore in 30 years. He gave us one of the best worst pregame dance moves (blacks gonna black): 

But let's get something straight: in no way, shape or form does he deserve a statue outside the stadium to be permanently placed alongside a great like Johnny Unitas. Ray Lewis is a murderer. No if, and or but about it. Straight prison shanked a couple people after the Super Bowl in Atlanta, ditched the white suit, hired a couple hot shot Jew lawyers (who were ready to throw his friends under the bus) and got off scot-free.

I guess if you aren't actually charged with murder and go on to finish your NFL career people can forget about a little stabbing and obstruction of justice. Win the city two Super Bowls and they will turn a blind eye to the whole situation and immortalize you with a statue. 

The reason OJ Simpson never got a statue of his own was the fact that he was retired when he murdered his wife was acquitted cause the glove didn't fitted!

Whatever, the Ravens ownership and city love the guy and are obviously going to show just how much. On the other hand, I don't forget. 

My Work Troll

So let’s talk about this bitch I sit next to at work. First things first, because I am below a cube monkey, I don’t even have a cube. I have my back to this whole office space so everyone that walks by can see what is on my computer. Makes procrastination a real problem, thank baby Jesus for G Chat.

What all this means is that I do not really have my own personal space, which gets constantly invaded all day by people bothering me with their motherfuckin problems. This girl that sits next to me is the worst propagator of this. Rundown of her characteristics:

·         Maybe 5’, fat, nice and fat, wears clothes that push the laws of physics and stretchable clothing
·         Ugly and wears glasses
·         Vegan “I don’t eat meat” high horse bitch. Yet amazingly fat. Did I tell you she is fat? And she considers herself a “foodie” and tries to give me restaurant recommendations all the time. How can I take recommendations for food seriously if you don’t eat all the best kinds of food? Get out my face
·         Possibly one of the most annoying nasally voices you have ever heard. Surprisingly not Jewish, but might as well be. And she laughs at all her own jokes in short jackal like bursts. Just shoot me
·         Huge sidler. Loves to just sidle up to my desk and try and engage me in her problems at work. Not only do I not care but if you lean on my desk one more time it might collapse.
·         Obsessed with gossip. Now, I understand that most fat bitches that work in an office are obsessed with the idea that people are trying to keep stuff from them because they can’t keep their mouth shut (also a fat joke). But for the love of God, if I don’t want to tell you something, do not fuckin ask twice.
·         Always talks about how her old job used to do this and this. I don’t get these people. If your last job was so great, why in the fuck did you leave it? Just to come to my office and let me know as a public service? Insufferable wench
·         She’s fat and ugly

I have now resorted to just putting in headphones all day in an attempt to ignore her existence. You may ask yourself, SFB, why didn’t you do that in the first place? Because my desk has its back to everyone and with headphones in I can’t hear people come up behind me and therefore can only have work on my computer. I am now sacrificing procrastination for peace and quiet, that’s how bad it is. Gonna be a rough week boys.

P.S.

I need a fuckin drink 

Tim Murray Serves Up the Answer to End All Answers

SB Nation - The Buffalo Sabres finished their season in dead last, but if you think GM Tim Murray was happy about giving his team a top pick, think again.

"This year was completely unacceptable" was Murray's message to his players, and it was the way he began the organization's season-ending press conference. The Sabres GM bristled every time he was asked about finishing last or the concept of tanking. "We want to be competitive. If anybody thinks there's a message of tanking being sent from upstairs, I would suggest they put a camera for 60 minuets of the game when we're losing, and you'll know that tanking is not what we want," Murray responded after a long pause to think. "I know that tanking is a word that's used a lot, but I don't know where the tanking would come from if the GM doesn't want to lose, and coaches don't want to lose, and the players certainly don't want to lose their jobs."

Hey the Colts did it when Andrew Luck was coming out; Suck for Luck. You can't tell me that tanking is not an option. When you have the first overall pick in any draft you have pick of the litter. Take the consensus top pick or find a diamond in the rough with the elusive upside. So when the team is mid way through the season and you don't even have 6 regulation wins, you give up on the pipe dream of finishing with 15 or more wins and start shaving points. Day one stuff. 

But that is besides the point. Tim Murray put every other answer on notice. I was under the impression that when you get beat badly there were a few things you could say to make the analogy. For example, we just didn't show up, beating a dead horse, the availability just wasn't there. None of those are in Murray's vocabulary. He uses one reference and one reference only: peepee slapped. I'll say it cause he can't, but he really meant that his team went out there and got their dicks slapped. Game changer. If I am summoned for a post game interview after my fantasy team takes a beating I can't be caught dead saying we didn't show up, or we got beat plain and simple. I have to throw down with a no you know what Boom Boom we got our peepee slapped. Can't use anything else, won't use anything else. 

PS

When your team is getting beat up and down the ice on a nightly basis like a redheaded step child, what other analogy can you use other than we got dick slapped. 

Moobs at the Ballpark

Saw these beauties at the ballpark last night. I know there are tons of fatties throughout Texas, but man these just screamed saggy flapjack cans. Puttin em on display, scoping out the talent, and then bam before you know it he's linked arms with a heifer on their way to the nearest barn to do the deed.

Whats the over under on foreplay involving speed bagging each others titties?

I just hope he does this each and every time:

Michael Phelps Quits Being a Quitter

So Michael Phelps is coming out of retirement in an attempt to win 20 more gold meals for America in Rio in 2016. Can't knock the hustle, guy can only get so much out of smoking weed all day and filming Subway commercials, probably bored as shit.

All everyone likes to talk about is how many calories Phelps eats to maintain his training, about 12,000 a day. So it got me thinking. If I could just eat one food to achieve that many calories in a day, what would it be? Easy answer: McDonald's fries. Love em, high in calories, and are easy to eat way too much of.

 

I did the math: how many large Mcdonald's fries would I need to achieve this?

12,000 / 500 calories for each large fry = 24 large fries. Holy hell, that's a lot of fries. Also works out to:

600 grams of fat
144 grams of protein
144 grams of fiber

Just think about that shit after. That's a lot of Katie Couric's.

P.S.
I wonder how much it must suck to have to hang out with Jared all the time. Guy is a fuckin traitor to his people.

Somebody Get this Guy A Towel

The Braves and Phils are playing tonight. Just turned it on to see what the score was and the camera guy flashes to Roberto Hernandez on the mound. He is pitching in the heart of Atlanta's order, Upton (the good one) is at the plate, Gattis is on deck and Uggla is in the hole.

Guy looks like he just jumped in the Delaware River outside The Bank before he had to get back out for the bottom half. Like yeah it's humid, but get real right now. He's sweating buckets.

The brim of that hat is drenched. I thought there were some voodoo threads in those hats that wouldn’t allow sweat to do that. Like I’ve never seen something like that, must have thought he was palying hockey and decided he'd dump water in his helmet to cool off. Absolutely. Bananas. He’ll need a uniform change in between batters.

Bet $20 his post game interview looks like this, except instead of rooting for his team he is telling you how American he is and that he's really how old he now says he is.