My Work Troll

So let’s talk about this bitch I sit next to at work. First things first, because I am below a cube monkey, I don’t even have a cube. I have my back to this whole office space so everyone that walks by can see what is on my computer. Makes procrastination a real problem, thank baby Jesus for G Chat.

What all this means is that I do not really have my own personal space, which gets constantly invaded all day by people bothering me with their motherfuckin problems. This girl that sits next to me is the worst propagator of this. Rundown of her characteristics:

·         Maybe 5’, fat, nice and fat, wears clothes that push the laws of physics and stretchable clothing
·         Ugly and wears glasses
·         Vegan “I don’t eat meat” high horse bitch. Yet amazingly fat. Did I tell you she is fat? And she considers herself a “foodie” and tries to give me restaurant recommendations all the time. How can I take recommendations for food seriously if you don’t eat all the best kinds of food? Get out my face
·         Possibly one of the most annoying nasally voices you have ever heard. Surprisingly not Jewish, but might as well be. And she laughs at all her own jokes in short jackal like bursts. Just shoot me
·         Huge sidler. Loves to just sidle up to my desk and try and engage me in her problems at work. Not only do I not care but if you lean on my desk one more time it might collapse.
·         Obsessed with gossip. Now, I understand that most fat bitches that work in an office are obsessed with the idea that people are trying to keep stuff from them because they can’t keep their mouth shut (also a fat joke). But for the love of God, if I don’t want to tell you something, do not fuckin ask twice.
·         Always talks about how her old job used to do this and this. I don’t get these people. If your last job was so great, why in the fuck did you leave it? Just to come to my office and let me know as a public service? Insufferable wench
·         She’s fat and ugly

I have now resorted to just putting in headphones all day in an attempt to ignore her existence. You may ask yourself, SFB, why didn’t you do that in the first place? Because my desk has its back to everyone and with headphones in I can’t hear people come up behind me and therefore can only have work on my computer. I am now sacrificing procrastination for peace and quiet, that’s how bad it is. Gonna be a rough week boys.

P.S.

I need a fuckin drink