Tigers Bobble Scherzer Likeness: Nailed It.

Somebody in Detroit said fuck authority and swung some big dick on this Bobble Scherzer. Quality control, whatever bro, I'm sure it looks fine. If by fine you mean a lazy eyed version of Freddie Cruger peering into your soul and haunting your dreams, then it's fine. 

PS

Spot on bobble head of Max Scherzer in real life. 

Houston Horse Police Bag themselves a Bum

Bum is just minding his business, trying to maintain his buzz off the smell of his breath, and arguing with his 6 imaginary friends then.........BAM

He gets taken down by the Four Horsemen on Houston's mean streets.

$20 says he was jaywalking when they realized that everyone in the world jaywalks, decided to sprinkle some crack on him and cite him for possession and resisting.

PS

The guy is down for the count and they have him surrounded like he's going to shoot out of the gates like Usain Bolt. Bananas

Dating in the 713: A Gentlemen's Guide

I bet a lot of you have been asking yourself, Vito how does a strapping young lad like yourself land a girl? Is it because you are independently wealthy, domesticated, witty, sarcastic, you get ESPN updates?

How do you think I get girls? The D.E.N.N.I.S system; a full proof plan that Demonstrate my value, Engage them physically, Nurture their dependence for me, Neglect their needs emotionally, Inspire hope that something may come of the relationship, Separate entirely. 60% of the time it works all the time.

How I get them is one thing, but meeting them  is another story. Since I moved to the 713 I have seen some atrocious game firsthand. Creeping in the club, pumping drinks into girls because you tell them you are in the Army and your money might as well be Monopoly money, your standard bump and grind out on the dance floor, and the occasional conversation starter with a stupid joke. Some of us just don’t have time for the whole wine and dine of getting dolled up, going out, spending tons of money, and the eventual jerk sessh at home followed by the leftovers from dinner.

So I'm going to post my top five dating sites for those 20 somethings who don't have time or energy to go out and actually talk to a human being.

5. Zoosk

Not much to say about this one. Heard lots of stories. Not a ton of good things. My own opinion if you plan on bagging and tagging a few broads from this site you are asking for, at the very least, crabs.

4. Carrot

This one is a straight up shaft for the dude through and through. They want you to “dangle” a carrot. Basically you are supposed to bribe these girls into hanging out with you at dinner, a movie, coffee, etc. Downside: tons of rachet hoes and big booty bitches as well as recent changes require you to pay for bribe tokens. Upside: if you want to take a dip in the chocolate ocean this is the app for you.

3. OK Cupid

I’m going to be blunt with this one. Tons of fatties. Not sure why because it is a decent interface and has a ton of members. Basically you set up a profile, answer questions and it suggests girls you may be interested in. Downside: you have to pay for it for certain features. Upside: you can be as forward as you like posting that you simply want a FWB or hump and dump kind of thang. Got to opening line with anyone on that site: Why haven’t we had sex yet? It’s a numbers game, out of the 100 fatties that you message you are bound to get some that say fuck off, others will be intrigued, and the brass balled ones with throw their coochie at you faster than you can blink.

2. Grouper

This one is different. You get set up with three other girls and you of course bring yourself and two friends. It’s a subscription based service, you pay $20 which covers dinner and one drink at a restaurant of Grouper’s choosing. They set up the reservation and “hand pick” girls based on your Facebook profile. I signed up and immediately was bombarded by Erica from Grouper. This bitch was blowing my inbox up like I just made her a Saturday night thing and didn't invite her to brunch on Sunday. Fuck bitch, I don’t want you to set me up with three linebackers that you hand selected based on my Facebook profile. You don’t know my life! Downside: you pay for it and Erica is the dip girl at your super bowl party constantly asking if you are ready for your grouper. Upside: it’s three on three and the subscription includes dinner and a drink. Added Bonus: at the very least, if things go well, you and your boys get a blow jibber of your own or one real saucy minx hangs around and you run train on her.

1.  Tinder

Shiver me TINDERS. By far the easiest to use. This app allows you to do what god intended: soak your feet, eat a muffin, and ruthlessly judge females. A simple swipe right for like, swipe right for HELL NO. It links to your Facebook so you know they aren't a catfish. Downside: the usually fatties and crazies. Upside: it’s easy to use and you can block all any and everyone you want. Go to openers when matched: 1) How many push ups can you do, 2) One on One basketball. Me vs you. Who wins? Go. Pro Tips: Keep your head on a swivel, always catfish out there. Always be scanning.

PS

Or you could just go to a bar, be yourself and talk to a real girl you ignorant slut.

Miguel Cabrera Bout to Make It Rain

ESPN - Two-time American League MVP Miguel Cabrera has agreed to terms with the Detroit Tigerson a new 10-year contract that will pay him $292 million, a baseball source said.

The new contract, which covers the two years remaining on Cabrera's current deal and eight additional years, is expected to become official later this week, the source said.

According to CBSSports.com, which earlier reported Detroit and Cabrera were closing in on an agreement, the new deal also includes two additional vesting options worth $30 million apiece for years 11 and 12 that could bring the total of the deal to $352 million.


50s, 50s, 50s, 100s, 100s, 100s! 

Cue the Fat Joe music and get a load of this rich mother fucker right here. Well about to be rich, pending a physical. But we all know that's just conjecture at this point.

Another veteran, another disastrous contract. No idea why any GM would willingly fork over that amount of money to a player in their early 30's. He's only going to get older. That's how time works. Science. I can safely say the Tigers will be taking a $200 million dollar haircut on this deal. Might as well hand it out to the homeless or set it on fire. And 5 years into the contract Dombrowski 

Sure the guy is a great hitter, but he plays wildly mediocre defense at first base, has the hustle of a Mac truck and in baseball years he might as well be Father Time. 

At the end of the day, you have to be happy for the guy. He plays baseball for a living, was good enough to break a few records and is ultimately getting paid for his hard work. He did what we all want to do or are working towards: swindling your employer into thinking you a worth more than a potential replacement. 

PS

Could you imagine that much scrilla? You don't get outta bed without 50k in your pocket at all times. You'd make Pacman Jones and A-A-Ron Hernandez look like a couple soft serve hardos when you start dropping your bank statements in the club. Like yeah baby over a quarter of a bil, whatchu want?! Cause I'm paid in the shade, with some fly gators on. 

NFL : No Foal Language

The NFL overseers are at it again.  Roger Goodell and his henchmen atop the non-profit National Football League, who accrued more the $9 billion in revenue in 2013, have decided that foul language can draw a 15 yard penalty this season.  They've focused on trying to root out the word "nigger" along with other racial slurs from the grid iron.  But is the NFL moving backwards by trying to move forwards?

Of course they are.  This move isn't about tolerance and acceptance or sportsmanship.  It's about the NFL trying to church up it's players so that the decent white folks of the mid west won't get scared.  It's about power.  Something Goodell has decided he's entitled to as the son of a United States Senator and recipient of a $44.2 million paycheck in 2012. It's also about the NFL trying to wash the jizz out of their hair after the Ritchie Incognito scandal.  If they gave two fucks about race relations or equality in general they'd think twice about this move, forget about it, and then go figure out a way to hire more diverse coaches and refs (maybe even a women. Gasp!).

Football is violent sport played by adults.  Adults who have earned the right to determine how they conduct themselves on and off the field.  Not according to Roger.  I think that watching white officials tell black athletes that they can't use the word nigger gives him a "Calvin Candie" type smile (see above).  You can almost see a parody of this event playing out in your mind.

"Listen hear nigger and listen real good.  Y'alls kind can't say that word no more!"

Roger and his morally bankrupt PR asshats have effectively said just that.  They want to brighten the image of the NFL but not protect the players as they pretend.  This is just another step in their plan to pad their pockets on the backs of athletes.  They've got to tame the athletes for a "family" audience.  It's about widening their viewership.  Lets not forget their pandering attempt to draw more women fans by pimping themselves out to Susan G. Komen.  Roger himself used to work in the PR department for the NFL and he hasn't forgotten his roots.

I can't wait to see the moment when Ed Hochuli dishes out the yellow rag on Richard Sherman for dropping a soft "r" at a teammate after an interception.
I also can't wait to see official Mike Carey (He's the black one you racists) have to drop a flag on Robert Griffin III for using the word.

Obviously, we as a society should move forward and away from cruel speech but it's not up to Roger Goodell to decide how and when certain words should be dropped from our vocabulary.

Nigga Please





*If you aren't mature enough to read the N word on paper, in a satirical blog piece, written by someone who could very well be african american or black, that's on you.  I suggest you go to tumblr and complain. 

Top 5 Food Network Shows

So I was watching the Food Network and guess what was on? Chopped Canada. Did not even know that existed. So it got me thinking about what are my all-time favorite Food Network shows. Every single one of them makes me want to eat and has contributed to me being fat so let's get this thing started.

5. Unwrapped 


Marc Summers just blowing my mind episode after episode. Sure, I don't necessarily want to know how some of the food I eat is made and how many day laborers it takes to make a Snickers bar but damn if that shit isn't fascinating. Also convinced me I could start my own food company if I covered something in chocolate and put it in a wrapper. Chocolate covered PayDays anyone?

4. Diner, Drive Ins and Dives 



Many of you are probably pointing out the obvious: Guy Fieri is an annoying fat asshole and this is true. Yes, he pronounces his name with a mystery "t" sound and has hair that would make Lance Bass think he was straight but the premise of the show is what I imagine my dream job would be. Just going from great restaurant to restaurant, stuffing your face with free food, saying it's great and driving off. If you can't get into the idea of that then you're not American. And is it just me or do none of these places ever exist near anywhere I live? Maybe it's because I only live near McDonald's but a man can dream.

3. Emeril Live


It pains me day in and day out that this show is no longer on. It was steadily the best cooking show on TV and the motherfucker did it live! He pulled this off by cheating and having stuff pre-prepared but what cooking show doesn't cheat? I mean, don't tell me you think Giada's sweater puppies are real. And let's not forget about his catchphrase "Bam!". Hell, I still love saying that when I throw some salt on a dish straight out of the microwave. Don't ever change you crazy Cajun bastard.

2. Chopped 


This was a tough call. I really wanted to give Chopped the #1 spot but it just seems like it wasn't worthy. With that said, this show is amazing. No show inspires me more to think that I can turn my pantry full of beans and corn into a gourmet masterpiece every night. And I love those damn judges. They are just the right amount of asshole but knowledgable enough that they can back it up. Nothing better than watching a chick or fat guy just absolutely break down with a hard basket. Who doesn't love watching a train wreck? I also have a theory that if you start on the farthest left spot (from the viewer's perspective) you are pretty much guaranteed to be in the final. Trust me, I've done the scientific research.

1. Iron Chef (America of course)


The OG. The show so good they just ripped it off the Japanese sensation but kept the screaming host/token karate guy that does nothing. I love the glitz and glam and the celebrity judges. Love the chefs just treating their sous chefs like slaves and yelling at them for their mistakes. Alton Brown just being a encyclopedia of food knowledge. Hell, the host of Chopped, Kevin Brauch, is just a sideline reporter on the show. Even he can't swing a big enough dick to break the ranks of this champion. Anytime it is on, it is a must watch.  

Greetings Earthlings (Space Jam Soundtrack Voice)

Folks,


Let's get to know Jeremiah Johnson real quick.  Colorado native that enjoys the Denver Broncos, golf, snowboarding, and tinder hassling chodes who were in greek life during their college years.  As I'm literally typing this sentence I'm watching my sisters puggle take a shit on our back deck in the snow.  Her name is Sugar Bear, she was the runt of her litter and we flew her to Colorado from Arkansas.   For the record, I live in Snowmass Village, Colorado with my mom and sister errr...two room mates.  I read a statistic the other day that said, "1 in 3 men ages 25-34 still live with their parents".  Thankfully I'm 24.  Back to business, don't take anything I say serious I'm a heavily sarcastic person that tends to outwit a majority of the people I meet.  I don't even mean that in an arrogant way, everyone else just sucks that bad.  Have you ever been to the south?  Texas?  Kansas?  Give me a break.  Imagine living in the year 1985 and John Travolta is starring in 'Urban Cowboy'.  I did 3 months in Oklahoma over the summer and I didn't realize how good I had it.  Let's take a quick recap:

Things That Suck
* Oakland Raiders
* Conservative talk radio
* Minivans
* Dingleberries

Things That Don't Suck
*Opening Day
* UNC Tarheels
* 90's Country
* Coors Field

Sorry you took the time to read this.  Enjoy your evening.


JJ

Shitting on the Fifth Floor: Power Move or No No

For those of you who don't know, I am a cube monkey. Those of you who don't know what a cube monkey is, let me enlighten you: I sit in a cubicle, take orders from a supervisor, feel like life is passing me by, and take shits on company time.

As a man there are two things I do on a daily basis without hesitation: eat and poop. The latter is great to do while at work. You can browse the internet, bang out a couple levels of Candy Crush, or get an ab workout in when you are fighting one of those pesky poos that just won't let go. When it comes to shitting at work, and in general for that matter, I am a creature of habit. I use the same bathroom, same stall, I mix it up on the amount of toilet paper because you need just a little spice in your life. My diet prohibits the luxury of a scentless bowel movement, so I'm forced to assess the workplace before I set up shop and pick out my go to shit spot.

Lots of guys at work use a bathroom on the fourth floor they call "Turd Floor". Real cute. Not me, I scoured the joint looking for the best locations. That way I can take my sweet time, go spread eagle on the porcelain throne and walk out a confident man. None of this sneaking in and out, double takes to make sure the office smoke isn't walking by and if they are forcing an awkward exchange and explaining that you were just checking the specs on the endline for the rotary girder.

Lately I've realized a coworker using our bathroom to do his dirty work. I know exactly who it is cause I see him walk in and the guy is 4 foot munchkin, his feet dangle from the toilet after he pole vaults on to it, so you know who it is. After he is done with his post lunch food baby miscarriage, this smug bastard waltzes out with a shit eating grin, grabs his belt to readjust his pants lets out a big sigh and announces he's headed back to work on the fourth floor.

Should I take that as a threat? Is he challenging my manhood? Is my next move to shit on his car? I love my go to shit spot, but this guy just putting it in my face. I won't back down, can't back down. Can't back down, won't back down. Keep your game tight Fourth Floor, I'm coming for you.

PS

East West, East West.

Fat Bitches Wearing Yoga Pants

So let's talk about the epidemic sweeping the nation: fat chicks wearing yoga pants at the gym and waddling around town like a penguin. These girls know they are fat but pretend that they don't have cottage cheese trying to seep out of the seems of that spandex that is barely holding and defying all the laws of man and nature. They are a slap in the face, a visual betrayal. They are the kind of chicks that spend 10 minutes on the elliptical, do some 5 lb curls and then cry away their feelings over ice cream when they get home because "they earned it."

They subject me to their nastiness every time I go to the gym. Sure, I'm fat and disgusting but I don't dress in all spandex and prance around like a fat Peter Pan while doing squat thrusts. The worst part is, you cannot avoid looking at these chicks. A guy's mind is immediately forced to look at a girl's ass as she walks by before it even realizes the unholy site that it's about to witness. It's a fuckin trap, god damned mind terrorism. And I won't stand for it. They need to realize they're only option is sweatpants and an eating disorder.

Last, the smell. Walk by one of these chicks and make the unfortunate mistake of getting a wiff of the pungent aroma that spandex, a poor diet, not wiping properly (definitely not using flushable wipes) and low self-esteem creates. It'll make you throw up your lunch, which is exactly what these fatties should be doing. So next time you see one of these girls, ask them if they escaped from the zoo and maybe they will never show their face in public again. 

P.S. 
Fat chicks need love to, but they gotta pay 

Jim Irsay Just Wants to Have Fun and Doesn't Care Who Knows

ESPN - Colts owner Jim Irsay was unsteady on his feet and said he was confused over which road his house was located on after Carmel, Ind., police pulled him over March 16.

Details of Irsay's arrest were published by The Indianapolis Star on Wednesday night after the newspaper obtained police reports through a public-records request.

According to The Star, Irsay, through slurred speech, admitted to taking several medications but refused to submit to a blood test.

Police found $29,029 in cash and a number of prescription medication bottles in the Toyota Highlander that Irsay was driving in an upscale area of the suburb north of Indianapolis. The report said that Irsay was driving erratically, travelling at about 10 miles an hour in a 35 mph zone, then came to a complete stop for no apparent reason.

After undergoing sobriety tests and nearly falling repeatedly, he was eventually handcuffed and arrested for operating a vehicle while intoxicated and four counts of possession of a controlled substance. He has not been formally charged and is undergoing treatment at an out-of-state health-care facility.

Irsay was scheduled to go to court Wednesday for an initial hearing, but it was postponed indefinitely at the request of his attorneys.

According to the records obtained by The Star, Irsay said he hadn't consumed any alcohol, and the arresting officer told a supervisor that he "believed Irsay to be intoxicated on a substance other than alcohol."

Irsay eventually submitted to the blood draw at 2:40 a.m., after a warrant was obtained. The 54-year-old reportedly bought a house last month that is located near where he was stopped by police.

Records obtained by The Star list 11 pieces of evidence noted as "drugs/prescription." In 2002, Irsay acknowledged that he had become dependent on painkillers after a few orthopedic operations, but said he'd overcome the problem after treatment.

His daughter, Carlie Irsay-Gordon, is the principal of authority while Irsay is undergoing treatment. She represented the team during the annual league meetings this week in Orlando, Fla.

ESPN also requested the police documents obtained by The Star but wasn't t notified they were available until after the city attorney's office was closed Wednesday night.

Everybody remembers the first season of East Bound and Down. The episode where they have a BBQ at the principal's house, Kenny and Stevie dress alike and Kenny's date is slangin tit all over that hoity-toity get-together. Jim Irsay is Stevie Janowski at that BBQ. You see that bedazzled pearl snap he has on? He's hammered, ready to rip his shirt off at the drop of a hat, and having an awesome time.

The guy was just minding his own business, briefcase full of cash and pills on the passenger seat, bumping "Take Me Home Tonight" in his factory Toyota Highlander, and casually driving drunk. NFL players do it all the time so he figured, I basically own a bunch of those guys anyways might as well walk the walk and talk the talk. 

If I had to put my life savings on it, my guess is he took the old Statue of Liberty from the Todd Helton playbook: told the wife he was going out for a can of dip and lotto tickets, but really he's hammered drunk sitting front row at his own personal Eddie Money concert looking for a clean gal to party with. I can see it now, pulling up to every corner screaming at anything with a pulse "Hey!!! YOU!!! You working or walking??"

I’d Lick Her Butt and You Would Too

We all know this girl.  She is on the front page of every porn tube site out there right now.  She does it all and I’m crowning her the hottest thing going in Porn this year.  

After literally minutes of research, I could only find a first name, Anjelica.  Other then that she is a mystery.  I mean, you can find pictures of her taking cocks like Betty White in the good olde' days and of her peeing on top of what looks to be a quality built table, but I can’t find much else about her.  So if any of you degenerates are looking to stalk this girl you better fire up Internet Explorer and get to work because it won't be easy.  

Anjelica mysteriously burst onto the scene about 6 months ago and has had a incredible run of videos culminating in a masterpiece four part series titled “Who let the dogs out” (Ken Burns Directed?).  On her climb to fame I’ve watched her take load after load without ever once losing that seductive grin.  Each of her performances, possibly filmed in an IKEA show room someplace, features Anjelica enthusiastically preforming filthy acts of love on porn studs trying not to blow their wads prematurely.   She has no problem licking vaginas and assholes when the script calls for it, which is a plus unless you don't like stuff like that... You fucking weirdo.  

Now to her most flawless feature.  Her asshole is divine.  Her brown eye has incredible resilience and stamina.  I’d lick her butt and you would too.  It takes a pounding and then returns to perfect form, ready for more.  I'd PAY to watch this girl have the ridges of her southbound lane counted by some other girls tongue.  But thanks to the internet, I don't have to and neither do you.  Here is PJ's Porn Clip of the Week.  Wether you're trying to shamefully beat it, or you're looking to refurnish your house and don't have the latest IKEA catalog handy, this video is a good place to start.

Whites Gonna White in the STL

DeadSpin - The following is not permitted under our dress code after 9pm: sleeveless shirts on men, profanity on clothing, exposed undergarments on men, sweat pants, full sweat suits, excessively long shirts (when standing upright with arms at your side, the bottom of your shirt can not extend below the tip of your fingers), jerseys (sleeved jerseys are permitted in conjunction with a cardinals game or any other major St. Louis sporting event), athletic shorts and excessively sagging pants or shorts bandanas.

The St. Louis Cardinals are swinging some big dick this season, opening up some churched up version of Dave and Buster's they call Ballpark Village. It has a glass-sliding roof, a Budweiser bar, restaurants and a roof deck where patrons can watch the game, basically everything obese Americans want. I know my fat ass would be posted up sluggin a few brews and gorging myself on $20 hot wings that I would gladly pay for twice.

They spent $100 million on this pile of sticks and decide to enforce a dress code policy from rural Mississippi. No sleeveless shirts, a key baseball demographic, rednecks, are out. Profanity on clothing, exposed undergarments on men, sweatpants, full sweat suits, excessively long shorts, jerseys, and excessively sagging pants or shorts bandanas? Well there goes the neighborhood cause none of the brothers are allowed to set foot within 10 miles of this place. Better open up a window, it’s getting all racial up in the STL.

I get what they are trying to do. But if you are going to say it, act like you have a pair and just say it: No Coloreds Allowed. I’m not that sensitive, just tell me upfront that I need to look presentable. That way I’ll at least iron a shirt and dress like I’m headed to the yacht club to discuss global domination and world economics over a stogie and cognac. Otherwise I might show up looking like Joe Dirt clad with a full fledged mullet, Def Leppard shirt, acid wash jeans and combat boots.

P.S.

Whites gonna white.  

Introduction: The Men, The Myths, The Legends

Well no other way to start this blog than with a good ole fashioned introduction. 

I would post my real name on this thing, but I'm afraid of two things: 1) someone stalking me and 2) my name and pertinent information being used to set up a blackpeoplemeet.com account. 

Anyways, the name is Vito. No idea where the nickname came from, I’m not even Italian nor do I have connections to the mob. It just stuck.

I wanted to start blogging to pass the time and see if I could become popular. Not the social kind of popular, I’m a wealthy businessman and don’t have time for that. Internet popular is my current aspiration, because if we are being perfectly honest if any of those ass clowns on Tosh.0 can do it I think I am perfectly capable of getting a few overweight 30 year olds to read my obscure blog posts.

There are three other guys who will post regularly on the blog. Sticky Finger Bandit is the North East correspondent. He loves salads, beer, Tinder, cinnamon and a good waterbed, hates hates Miley Cyrus and stairs. The guy is on some bean diet, which basically means he shits like 10 times a day and will have plenty of time to post blogs mid dump. I’ll leave how he earned his name as a mystery.

PJ aka Pope Johnson is the Western correspondent. Half the time we don’t know if he is alive and well or face down in a drained pool somewhere. So whether or not he posts to the site will be a crapshoot. When he isn’t digging for quarters in the couch to pay for his next Taco Bell meal, he enjoys playing the guitar, teaching himself useless information about computers and not showering.

Jeremiah Johnson will be another Western correspondent. He works for a distiller, is a part time farmer, a sweet mountain man with a ferocious beard game. Aside from work, he enjoys cooking hanging with his best friends (aka his sisters dog) and documenting his life through snapchat. I think he’s going to focus on putting everyone on blast from time to time, blaming Obama for things and the occasional informative post. He loves beer, bitches, and banging. Ladies, he’s a big dumb animal.

I don’t know what the other hooligans are going to post about, but I’m basically going to blog on the main categories: food, sex, sports and news (if I have time).  Tacos are big where I live, so I’ll be posting video reviews of local establishments and how their food fares in the thunder dome. Immediately following these reviews I’ll be posting pictures from a series I like to call porcelain portraits.

For those of you who read this, please feel free to comment. If you choose to just blow us off completely, you’re dead to me.

Enjoy.