Top 5 Food Network Shows

So I was watching the Food Network and guess what was on? Chopped Canada. Did not even know that existed. So it got me thinking about what are my all-time favorite Food Network shows. Every single one of them makes me want to eat and has contributed to me being fat so let's get this thing started.

5. Unwrapped 


Marc Summers just blowing my mind episode after episode. Sure, I don't necessarily want to know how some of the food I eat is made and how many day laborers it takes to make a Snickers bar but damn if that shit isn't fascinating. Also convinced me I could start my own food company if I covered something in chocolate and put it in a wrapper. Chocolate covered PayDays anyone?

4. Diner, Drive Ins and Dives 



Many of you are probably pointing out the obvious: Guy Fieri is an annoying fat asshole and this is true. Yes, he pronounces his name with a mystery "t" sound and has hair that would make Lance Bass think he was straight but the premise of the show is what I imagine my dream job would be. Just going from great restaurant to restaurant, stuffing your face with free food, saying it's great and driving off. If you can't get into the idea of that then you're not American. And is it just me or do none of these places ever exist near anywhere I live? Maybe it's because I only live near McDonald's but a man can dream.

3. Emeril Live


It pains me day in and day out that this show is no longer on. It was steadily the best cooking show on TV and the motherfucker did it live! He pulled this off by cheating and having stuff pre-prepared but what cooking show doesn't cheat? I mean, don't tell me you think Giada's sweater puppies are real. And let's not forget about his catchphrase "Bam!". Hell, I still love saying that when I throw some salt on a dish straight out of the microwave. Don't ever change you crazy Cajun bastard.

2. Chopped 


This was a tough call. I really wanted to give Chopped the #1 spot but it just seems like it wasn't worthy. With that said, this show is amazing. No show inspires me more to think that I can turn my pantry full of beans and corn into a gourmet masterpiece every night. And I love those damn judges. They are just the right amount of asshole but knowledgable enough that they can back it up. Nothing better than watching a chick or fat guy just absolutely break down with a hard basket. Who doesn't love watching a train wreck? I also have a theory that if you start on the farthest left spot (from the viewer's perspective) you are pretty much guaranteed to be in the final. Trust me, I've done the scientific research.

1. Iron Chef (America of course)


The OG. The show so good they just ripped it off the Japanese sensation but kept the screaming host/token karate guy that does nothing. I love the glitz and glam and the celebrity judges. Love the chefs just treating their sous chefs like slaves and yelling at them for their mistakes. Alton Brown just being a encyclopedia of food knowledge. Hell, the host of Chopped, Kevin Brauch, is just a sideline reporter on the show. Even he can't swing a big enough dick to break the ranks of this champion. Anytime it is on, it is a must watch.