I bet a lot of you have been asking yourself, Vito how does a
strapping young lad like yourself land a girl? Is it because you are independently
wealthy, domesticated, witty, sarcastic, you get ESPN updates?
How do you think I get girls? The
D.E.N.N.I.S system; a full proof plan that Demonstrate
my value, Engage them physically, Nurture their dependence for me, Neglect their needs emotionally, Inspire hope that something may come of
the relationship, Separate entirely.
60% of the time it works all the time.
How I get them is one thing, but meeting them is another story. Since I moved to the 713 I
have seen some atrocious game firsthand. Creeping in the club, pumping drinks
into girls because you tell them you are in the Army and your money might as
well be Monopoly money, your standard bump and grind out on the dance floor,
and the occasional conversation starter with a stupid joke. Some of us just don’t
have time for the whole wine and dine of getting dolled up, going out, spending
tons of money, and the eventual jerk sessh at home followed by the leftovers
from dinner.
So I'm going to post my top five dating sites for those 20 somethings
who don't have time or energy to go out and actually talk to a human being.
5. Zoosk
Not much to say about this one. Heard lots of stories. Not a ton
of good things. My own opinion if you plan on bagging and tagging a few broads
from this site you are asking for, at the very least, crabs.
4. Carrot
This one is a straight up shaft for the dude through and through.
They want you to “dangle” a carrot. Basically you are supposed to bribe these
girls into hanging out with you at dinner, a movie, coffee, etc. Downside: tons
of rachet hoes and big booty bitches as well as recent changes require you to
pay for bribe tokens. Upside: if you want to take a dip in the chocolate ocean
this is the app for you.
3. OK Cupid
I’m going to be blunt with this one. Tons of fatties. Not sure why
because it is a decent interface and has a ton of members. Basically you set up
a profile, answer questions and it suggests girls you may be interested in. Downside:
you have to pay for it for certain features. Upside: you can be as forward as you like posting that
you simply want a FWB or hump and dump kind of thang. Got to opening line with
anyone on that site: Why haven’t we had sex yet? It’s a numbers game, out of
the 100 fatties that you message you are bound to get some that say fuck off,
others will be intrigued, and the brass balled ones with throw their coochie at
you faster than you can blink.
2. Grouper
This one is different. You get set up with three other girls and
you of course bring yourself and two friends. It’s a subscription based
service, you pay $20 which covers dinner and one drink at a restaurant of
Grouper’s choosing. They set up the reservation and “hand pick” girls based on
your Facebook profile. I signed up and immediately was bombarded by Erica from
Grouper. This bitch was blowing my inbox up like I just made her a Saturday night
thing and didn't invite her to brunch on Sunday. Fuck bitch, I don’t want you
to set me up with three linebackers that you hand selected based on my Facebook
profile. You don’t know my life! Downside: you pay for it and Erica is the dip
girl at your super bowl party constantly asking if you are ready for your
grouper. Upside: it’s three on three and the subscription includes dinner and a
drink. Added Bonus: at the very least, if things go well, you and your boys get
a blow jibber of your own or one real saucy minx hangs around and you run train
on her.
1. Tinder
Shiver me TINDERS. By far the easiest to use. This app allows you to do what god
intended: soak your feet, eat a muffin, and ruthlessly judge females. A simple
swipe right for like, swipe right for HELL NO. It links to your Facebook so you
know they aren't a catfish. Downside: the usually fatties and crazies. Upside:
it’s easy to use and you can block all any and everyone you want. Go to openers
when matched: 1) How many push ups can you do, 2) One on One basketball. Me vs you. Who wins? Go. Pro Tips: Keep your head on a swivel, always catfish out
there. Always be scanning.
PS
Or you could just go to a
bar, be yourself and talk to a real girl you ignorant slut.
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