Shaq Is Winning LinkedIn

This is game over. I can't compete with this profile. Thought the 500+ connections was a real benchmark of how well I was doing in the dick measuring contest we call LinkedIn.

Just imagine Shaq reading this to you in that silky smooth Barry White voice and some slow jams bumping in the background:

"I'm working on a lot of different ventures. My best asset is that I am proven to lead teams to championships. I mean multiple championships." 

Christ. This has to be the worst piece of work done by Shaq since Steel

Just a steaming pile of worthless dog shit. Please for the love of god hire someone to write things for you and go back to the Icy Hot commercials and getting stuffed into Buick. 

Zero Fucks Given by Ace Matt Harvey, Starts Internet Trend

Matt Harvey doing what Matt Harvey does: Doing whatever, whenever and to whomever. Just like Kenny Powers, striking motherfuckers out, slaying babes, and saying (or tweeting in this case) whatever he wants. Dude is swing a big dick and dragging brass balls right behind it. Other examples: He told the Mets he wanted to rehab in New York because Florida sucks and sitting courtside with a certified smoke that he probably pulled the ole fuck and chuck with.  

He tweeted out this pic (yeah this is from Instagram sue me) saying he couldn’t believe that it had been 6 months since his TJ surgery. Bold strategy. Harvey said he didn’t want to cause a stir or create bad press for the Mets because he thought it was a funny picture and that it was his account. Shortly after he deleted the pic and shortly thereafter deleted his entire twitter account. What a shame. Figured this pic would be to Matt Harvey what the plane in fat girl pussy pic was to US Airways: instant street cred.

Bottom line? It is his account and should be able to do whatever the fuck he wants. Unfortunately the days of Roger Clemens, Kenny Stabler, Jason Giambi, Dennis Rodman, and other party animals are over. You are under constant scrutiny and everything you do will be misconstrued to the point where you just want to live under a rock until it’s your turn out on the bump or on the gridiron or hardwood. You get a video taken of you shaking it more than twice and boom suddenly there are rumors spreading that you’re gay. Or you drink a little too much and end up passed out in a pile of garbage on the mean streets of Beantown like Tyler Seguin and you get labeled as an alcoholic. Psh, maybe he is having an awesome time and just really likes to party.  

PS

What an absolute hardoooo move by Harvey saying he wanted to be graceful, humble and out of the spotlight when it came stardom just like Jeter.

Double PS

Even better and surely will add fuel to the fire: You get an internet trend started called #harveying. 

S/O Barstool Sports, KFC in particular 

Ray Lewis is Getting a Statue in Baltimore

CBS Sports - The Johnny Unitas statue that stands outside of M&T Bank Stadium in Baltimore is about to have some permanent company. Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti said this week that he hopes to have a Ray Lewis statue up before the 2014 NFL season kicks off.

According to Bisciotti, artist Frederick Kail is well on his way to making that happen. Kail is the same artist who sculpted the Unitas statue.

"He's well into it," Bisciotti told ESPN.com. "I haven't seen any progress pictures, but the original stuff was just off the charts. We think we'll have it done before the season starts."

Bisciotti first announced plans for a Lewis statue after the Ravens won Super Bowl XLVII over the 49ers in February 2013. However, at the time, Bisciotti said it was probably a 'year or two' away.

The statue won't be the first time the Ravens have honored Lewis, the team also honored him last season when he became the sixth player in franchise history to be inducted into Baltimore's Ring of Honor. Lewis joined running back Jamal Lewis (2012), kicker Matt Stover (2011), tackle Jonathan Ogden (2008), outside linebacker Peter Boulware (2006) and defensive end Michael McCrary (2004).

Lewis spent his entire 17-year career in Baltimore and during that time he won two Super Bowls, made 13 Pro Bowl appearances and won two Defensive Player of the Year awards (2000, 2003). He was also named the best middle linebacker in football history -- that honor was given to him by Brian Urlacher.

Ray Lewis was a great player. No doubt one of the greats to play the Middle Linebacker position. He won two super bowls, the first in 2000 was the first for the city of Baltimore in 30 years. He gave us one of the best worst pregame dance moves (blacks gonna black): 

But let's get something straight: in no way, shape or form does he deserve a statue outside the stadium to be permanently placed alongside a great like Johnny Unitas. Ray Lewis is a murderer. No if, and or but about it. Straight prison shanked a couple people after the Super Bowl in Atlanta, ditched the white suit, hired a couple hot shot Jew lawyers (who were ready to throw his friends under the bus) and got off scot-free.

I guess if you aren't actually charged with murder and go on to finish your NFL career people can forget about a little stabbing and obstruction of justice. Win the city two Super Bowls and they will turn a blind eye to the whole situation and immortalize you with a statue. 

The reason OJ Simpson never got a statue of his own was the fact that he was retired when he murdered his wife was acquitted cause the glove didn't fitted!

Whatever, the Ravens ownership and city love the guy and are obviously going to show just how much. On the other hand, I don't forget. 

My Work Troll

So let’s talk about this bitch I sit next to at work. First things first, because I am below a cube monkey, I don’t even have a cube. I have my back to this whole office space so everyone that walks by can see what is on my computer. Makes procrastination a real problem, thank baby Jesus for G Chat.

What all this means is that I do not really have my own personal space, which gets constantly invaded all day by people bothering me with their motherfuckin problems. This girl that sits next to me is the worst propagator of this. Rundown of her characteristics:

·         Maybe 5’, fat, nice and fat, wears clothes that push the laws of physics and stretchable clothing
·         Ugly and wears glasses
·         Vegan “I don’t eat meat” high horse bitch. Yet amazingly fat. Did I tell you she is fat? And she considers herself a “foodie” and tries to give me restaurant recommendations all the time. How can I take recommendations for food seriously if you don’t eat all the best kinds of food? Get out my face
·         Possibly one of the most annoying nasally voices you have ever heard. Surprisingly not Jewish, but might as well be. And she laughs at all her own jokes in short jackal like bursts. Just shoot me
·         Huge sidler. Loves to just sidle up to my desk and try and engage me in her problems at work. Not only do I not care but if you lean on my desk one more time it might collapse.
·         Obsessed with gossip. Now, I understand that most fat bitches that work in an office are obsessed with the idea that people are trying to keep stuff from them because they can’t keep their mouth shut (also a fat joke). But for the love of God, if I don’t want to tell you something, do not fuckin ask twice.
·         Always talks about how her old job used to do this and this. I don’t get these people. If your last job was so great, why in the fuck did you leave it? Just to come to my office and let me know as a public service? Insufferable wench
·         She’s fat and ugly

I have now resorted to just putting in headphones all day in an attempt to ignore her existence. You may ask yourself, SFB, why didn’t you do that in the first place? Because my desk has its back to everyone and with headphones in I can’t hear people come up behind me and therefore can only have work on my computer. I am now sacrificing procrastination for peace and quiet, that’s how bad it is. Gonna be a rough week boys.

P.S.

I need a fuckin drink 

Tim Murray Serves Up the Answer to End All Answers

SB Nation - The Buffalo Sabres finished their season in dead last, but if you think GM Tim Murray was happy about giving his team a top pick, think again.

"This year was completely unacceptable" was Murray's message to his players, and it was the way he began the organization's season-ending press conference. The Sabres GM bristled every time he was asked about finishing last or the concept of tanking. "We want to be competitive. If anybody thinks there's a message of tanking being sent from upstairs, I would suggest they put a camera for 60 minuets of the game when we're losing, and you'll know that tanking is not what we want," Murray responded after a long pause to think. "I know that tanking is a word that's used a lot, but I don't know where the tanking would come from if the GM doesn't want to lose, and coaches don't want to lose, and the players certainly don't want to lose their jobs."

Hey the Colts did it when Andrew Luck was coming out; Suck for Luck. You can't tell me that tanking is not an option. When you have the first overall pick in any draft you have pick of the litter. Take the consensus top pick or find a diamond in the rough with the elusive upside. So when the team is mid way through the season and you don't even have 6 regulation wins, you give up on the pipe dream of finishing with 15 or more wins and start shaving points. Day one stuff. 

But that is besides the point. Tim Murray put every other answer on notice. I was under the impression that when you get beat badly there were a few things you could say to make the analogy. For example, we just didn't show up, beating a dead horse, the availability just wasn't there. None of those are in Murray's vocabulary. He uses one reference and one reference only: peepee slapped. I'll say it cause he can't, but he really meant that his team went out there and got their dicks slapped. Game changer. If I am summoned for a post game interview after my fantasy team takes a beating I can't be caught dead saying we didn't show up, or we got beat plain and simple. I have to throw down with a no you know what Boom Boom we got our peepee slapped. Can't use anything else, won't use anything else. 

PS

When your team is getting beat up and down the ice on a nightly basis like a redheaded step child, what other analogy can you use other than we got dick slapped. 

Moobs at the Ballpark

Saw these beauties at the ballpark last night. I know there are tons of fatties throughout Texas, but man these just screamed saggy flapjack cans. Puttin em on display, scoping out the talent, and then bam before you know it he's linked arms with a heifer on their way to the nearest barn to do the deed.

Whats the over under on foreplay involving speed bagging each others titties?

I just hope he does this each and every time:

Michael Phelps Quits Being a Quitter

So Michael Phelps is coming out of retirement in an attempt to win 20 more gold meals for America in Rio in 2016. Can't knock the hustle, guy can only get so much out of smoking weed all day and filming Subway commercials, probably bored as shit.

All everyone likes to talk about is how many calories Phelps eats to maintain his training, about 12,000 a day. So it got me thinking. If I could just eat one food to achieve that many calories in a day, what would it be? Easy answer: McDonald's fries. Love em, high in calories, and are easy to eat way too much of.

 

I did the math: how many large Mcdonald's fries would I need to achieve this?

12,000 / 500 calories for each large fry = 24 large fries. Holy hell, that's a lot of fries. Also works out to:

600 grams of fat
144 grams of protein
144 grams of fiber

Just think about that shit after. That's a lot of Katie Couric's.

P.S.
I wonder how much it must suck to have to hang out with Jared all the time. Guy is a fuckin traitor to his people.

Somebody Get this Guy A Towel

The Braves and Phils are playing tonight. Just turned it on to see what the score was and the camera guy flashes to Roberto Hernandez on the mound. He is pitching in the heart of Atlanta's order, Upton (the good one) is at the plate, Gattis is on deck and Uggla is in the hole.

Guy looks like he just jumped in the Delaware River outside The Bank before he had to get back out for the bottom half. Like yeah it's humid, but get real right now. He's sweating buckets.

The brim of that hat is drenched. I thought there were some voodoo threads in those hats that wouldn’t allow sweat to do that. Like I’ve never seen something like that, must have thought he was palying hockey and decided he'd dump water in his helmet to cool off. Absolutely. Bananas. He’ll need a uniform change in between batters.

Bet $20 his post game interview looks like this, except instead of rooting for his team he is telling you how American he is and that he's really how old he now says he is.

Cheater, Cheater Pumpkin Eater!

ESPN - NEW YORK -- Boston Red Sox manager John Farrell said it wasn't brought to his attention until the fourth inning Thursday night that Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda had what appeared to be pine tar on the palm of his right hand.

When Pineda -- who after the game said the substance was dirt -- came out for the fifth inning, Farrell said it appeared the pitcher's hand had been wiped clean, so the manager never brought it to the attention of the umpiring crew. "No one said a word," umpiring crew chief Brian O'Nora said. "The Red Sox didn't bring it to our attention, so there's nothing we can do about it."

Added Farrell: "Again, a foreign substance is illegal, but by the time we became aware of it, it was gone."

Pineda led the Yankees to a 4-1 win against the Red Sox, allowing four hits and striking out seven over six innings. Afterward, he was told that some opined that it was pine tar on his hand.

"I don't use pine tar," he said. "It's dirt. I'm sweating on my hand too much in between innings."

Just hate hatin on a G.

Strong move by Pineda. Hasn't pitched in a game since 2011. I'm not counting spring training because although it's baseball it's not really. Comes out swinging for 2014. 

TV cameras picked it up, Red Sox manager John Farrell saw it, the whole world saw it. But let's not be too quick to judge and see what Michael has to say.....It's dirt. Bologna. 

This is a scenario I am all too familiar with. Watching porn, get ready to do my thang when the parents walk in and you have to explain that it was something you accidentally clicked on. Like oh my bad mom I was just doing some research for you know personal reasons and wouldn't you know it I end up on a porn site getting ready to enter your credit card information. 

CAUGHT RED HANDED MICHAEL, RED HANDED.

Bold strategy and it obviously paid off for you. Yeah you are going to catch flack because you pulled a play out of the Gaylord Perry handbook and tried to get away with an illegal substance to improve your pitch. Slight hitch in that plan, because you have 9000 different cameras on you when you play a baseball game these days. 

The Red Sox claim they didn't talk to the Umps about it in a timely manner, but what it really boils down to is the fact they themselves are still recovering from a pine tar/illegal substance incident from last year involving Clay Buchholz.

Whatever they will never live down this fashion nightmare at the white house a couple weeks ago. So what's a little dirt/pine tar/jizz on Pineda's fastball going to hurt. 

Johnny Gomes was a surefire miss with the American Flag jacket, but Buchholz redefining slob with jeans, white Oakley razors, Hawaiian shirt and tie combo, slicked back biker hair, and a sport coat Ed Sleazy used to wear on the lot in the 70s. Atrocious. 

White Nonsense Conversation of the Week

So I just posted how I was at the Turtle Races last night. I may not have said it already but I am originally from Colorado. Love the state, love the Broncos, love the Rockies, and can't get enough of it. It does suck to be away from a state with such great amenities and people. Let's be honest, the South sucks.

Back to the point of this blog. I was in line to get turtle tickets and beers when someone asked me about my Rockies hat. They asked if I was from Colorado, being sarcastic I told them no I just really like the hat and the fact that the state legalized recreational use of marijuana (obviously I am not a pot head, but rather think the whole situation is just a farce and makes the state look ridiculous). He laughed and as it turned out he knew a couple friends of mine and he introduced me to a girl that by chance was the sister of a couple kids I went to middle school with. Strong move number #1 of the night: slid her my card and told her to hit me up. We talked for a little bit and she ended up having to take a phone call real quick and left me to stand there with the Sketch Master General. Guy had drug addict written all over him. To be honest I thought he was homeless and just decided to kick it in the bar, but quickly realized the black bouncer at the door would never allow a bum in to the bar and potentially ruin his livelihood.

He started talking to me. Asked me basic enough questions about me, about Colorado, about stuff. Innocent enough. But then this guy starts in on the pot talk. Hey man you know about hash oil, you know about this particular strand, about how it really works with edibles in public, I got this sweet piece from a buddy of mine that blows and it hits real nice, hey man you should take my number we can chill sometime and talk about Colorado, so on and so forth. I do know about most of this stuff not as a user, but as a person who had drug dealers and pot heads for friends, not as a user.

I was polite enough and just said yeah it's an interesting time in that state. Strong move #2 of the night: told the girl that we should hang out sometime without her weirdo friend. Thankfully the ticket line picked up, I snatched a ticket, and disappeared into the crowd like the magic man. Now you see me now you don't.



Why does everyone think that just because I am from the State of Colorado, I smoke pounds on pounds on pounds. Fact of the matter is, I hate hippies and think pot is stupid. Grew up in Boulder and was around those unkempt, patchouli oil using, pot smoking homeless dirt bags. There's a reason that whole town needs a bath. I wipe my shoes to get into my car when I get ready to leave. No I don't want to take your number Cheech, you need a shower, a haircut, a decent outfit and an extended stint in rehab you worthless piece of garbage. GET OUTTA MY FACE!!!

PS
How I feel about hippies, Nick O'Donnell said it best:

Double PS
Whites gonna white

The Best Night of Your Life

So Thursdays at Little Woodrow's are Turtle Races. How was I not aware of this before? Cheap beer, check. Bucket babes, check. Absurd way to blow half my rent money, check.

This is absolutely bananas. I had a ton of fun, more than I initially expected. 

Basically this bar has been doing Turtle Races for a couple years now, I believe they are on season six, who cares what season they are on because it's always season awesome. They set up a little race area, toss out koozies and pick smokeshows out of the crowd to be bucket babes. 

I got there early because I wanted a good spot to see these thoroughbreds burn up some turf. Set up shop at the end of a long table. Had a great view until it started getting busy and people were showing up for the actual races. Place was packed like a 40s cattle car with a menagerie of unique individuals.

Of course a small group of Asians park it right in front of me. And of course anywhere you go these days any and all Asian guys you see are a spitting image of Bruce Lee mixed with a hipster: they all are jacked as shit from the mandatory karate training they have had since birth and they all wear skinny jeans deep deep deep V neck tees and have a faux hawk mullet flop top thing going on. Well a couple hardo muscle hamsters stand right in front of me. Word of advice, don't act like a bad ass with your Office Depot polo tucked into your jeans. 

Anyways, about the actual races. So you used to be able to make actual bets on the turtles but that was a grey area and now the city and state has put the kibosh on that. Instead the bar allows you to pick a turtle and if that turtle wins two out of three races you are entitled to a free beer (limited to the whatever beer co is sponsoring that nights races). But that’s child’s play and I may have a borderline out of control gambling problem. So I was taking side bets like I was Ace Rothstein, hustling left and right. I was sure I could tell you which turtle was just getting off the couch, which one was doing blow, the one whose girlfriend broke up with him and was coming off a bender. To say the least I was feeling it. #EastWest

I don’t really remember all the racers for last night, but don’t worry I remember some of the best names. **Note To ensure a level playing field, turtles have been tested for performance enhancing drugs**

The best ones that I remember are Golden Balls, Mustache Ride, James Franco, and Left Eye. There was a straight up dark horse with the number one, don’t remember the name but he was about 3 times smaller than all the other turtles and I yelled out “Hey that’s Little Mo with the gimpy leg! Watch out for the little bastard he’s a ringer for sure and about to put everyone else on notice!” After everything I yelled out I couldn’t bet the farm on a dark horse like this (I am sure you can figure out which one it is):

Had to go with a favorite:

Plus who doesn’t want a Mustache Ride?

They have three races per night and each race consists of three individual races. Like I said the turtle you pick has to win two of three individual races in order for you to win a free beer (and the side pot you plan on scamming people out of). The hype man is pretty entertaining and is fairly choosy with who he picks as bucket babes. He picked this one tall broad with parachute pants on that he called Hammer Time and a couple older ladies he called MILFs.

The video basically explains it all.

Overall, I had a fantastic time. Really a departure from my traditional nightly routine of Netflix and jerkin my gerkin. Had a few beers, won some money off the side action I set up and walked away with a free koozie. I’ll definitely be back next week to clean house now that I have it figured out. Hell I might go look for my own turtle and maybe he ends up being some mutant/animal reincarnate of Usain Bolt. Watch out Little Woodrow’s. I’m coming for you. 

PSA: Tim Lincecum Has A New Nickname #TheCreep

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife. Tim Lincecum aka the "The Creep" is putting all other creepers on notice with this ridiculous mustache.

What the fuck is with Tim Lincecum? A couple of years ago he was growing his hair out and looked like a 12 year old school girl.

Now he's growing a stache? Gettin his hardcore creep on.





















You aren't Rollie Fingers and never will be. Let the big boys grow facial hair.

In other news, his on field career is still in a downward spiral as he let Paul Goldschmidt bend him over a barrel and show him the 50 states. He's taken "the creep" yard 7 times in his career. Talk about slave status. Lincecum should learn from his mistakes and walk the guy or throw it at his head.

Here's the highlight from last night, Timmy just shits a brick:

PS

Wish I could grow a sweet stache like that. 

Part Time Job and Life Passion

In my spare time I manage a baseball team. I'm out on the backfields watching young prospects throw for strikes, hitters go yard, and slick handed infielders make great plays. Oh wow Vito, you're a renaissance man, is it a little league team or high school team or what? No it’s fantasy.

So a bunch of college buddies and I participate in a Fantasy Baseball league. We were off to a great start when our mongoloid commish couldn’t figure out how to change the league from an 8-man league to a 10-man league. #Firstworldproblems.

Anyways, there’s a new kid in the league this year. Never met him and after what he did to me in the draft and in this week’s match up, frankly I don’t care if I ever meet him. This smug bastard named his team the Dirtiest Sanchez and drafted in the 8 hole, one place ahead of me. I had my entire lineup saved in my queue, ready to go at a moments notice. I had players most people wouldn’t think to draft that high and a couple dark horse picks I used higher round picks on (Grady Sizemore and Jason Castro). Figured I have a strong line up and cruise my way to the playoffs cause I play with people who don’t know the starting second baseman for any team other than Robinson Cano. #Amateurs.

So the draft started and I got the first couple players I wanted and then the 3^rd round started. I was cruising, picking players left and right, but then Sanchez picked one guy I wanted. I posted in the chat great pick I wanted him. He replies thanks. Fair enough. Then it happens again. Some more playful banter in the chat screen and the process continues with him snaking every goddamn player I wanted for the rest of the draft. It got to the point where I just typed “WOULD YOU FUCKING STOP” in the chat screen with no response from him. #Shittalk.

Then as fate would have it I am playing him in this weeks matchup. Low and behold he bent me over a barrel and showed me the fifty states. He literally put the poop on my upper lip when he posted this on the message boards:

Just spit in my mouth. Yeah well guess what Andre the God Damn Giant I’d be waxing that ass if someone hadn’t stolen my entire goddamn lineup. STOP STEALING MY LIFE!!!! 

I posted the following in response to his message. #face

PS

Yes my account name is Richard Sack and team name is Hoes N Blow