The Best Night of Your Life

So Thursdays at Little Woodrow's are Turtle Races. How was I not aware of this before? Cheap beer, check. Bucket babes, check. Absurd way to blow half my rent money, check.

This is absolutely bananas. I had a ton of fun, more than I initially expected. 

Basically this bar has been doing Turtle Races for a couple years now, I believe they are on season six, who cares what season they are on because it's always season awesome. They set up a little race area, toss out koozies and pick smokeshows out of the crowd to be bucket babes. 

I got there early because I wanted a good spot to see these thoroughbreds burn up some turf. Set up shop at the end of a long table. Had a great view until it started getting busy and people were showing up for the actual races. Place was packed like a 40s cattle car with a menagerie of unique individuals.

Of course a small group of Asians park it right in front of me. And of course anywhere you go these days any and all Asian guys you see are a spitting image of Bruce Lee mixed with a hipster: they all are jacked as shit from the mandatory karate training they have had since birth and they all wear skinny jeans deep deep deep V neck tees and have a faux hawk mullet flop top thing going on. Well a couple hardo muscle hamsters stand right in front of me. Word of advice, don't act like a bad ass with your Office Depot polo tucked into your jeans. 

Anyways, about the actual races. So you used to be able to make actual bets on the turtles but that was a grey area and now the city and state has put the kibosh on that. Instead the bar allows you to pick a turtle and if that turtle wins two out of three races you are entitled to a free beer (limited to the whatever beer co is sponsoring that nights races). But that’s child’s play and I may have a borderline out of control gambling problem. So I was taking side bets like I was Ace Rothstein, hustling left and right. I was sure I could tell you which turtle was just getting off the couch, which one was doing blow, the one whose girlfriend broke up with him and was coming off a bender. To say the least I was feeling it. #EastWest

I don’t really remember all the racers for last night, but don’t worry I remember some of the best names. **Note To ensure a level playing field, turtles have been tested for performance enhancing drugs**

The best ones that I remember are Golden Balls, Mustache Ride, James Franco, and Left Eye. There was a straight up dark horse with the number one, don’t remember the name but he was about 3 times smaller than all the other turtles and I yelled out “Hey that’s Little Mo with the gimpy leg! Watch out for the little bastard he’s a ringer for sure and about to put everyone else on notice!” After everything I yelled out I couldn’t bet the farm on a dark horse like this (I am sure you can figure out which one it is):

Had to go with a favorite:

Plus who doesn’t want a Mustache Ride?

They have three races per night and each race consists of three individual races. Like I said the turtle you pick has to win two of three individual races in order for you to win a free beer (and the side pot you plan on scamming people out of). The hype man is pretty entertaining and is fairly choosy with who he picks as bucket babes. He picked this one tall broad with parachute pants on that he called Hammer Time and a couple older ladies he called MILFs.

The video basically explains it all.

Overall, I had a fantastic time. Really a departure from my traditional nightly routine of Netflix and jerkin my gerkin. Had a few beers, won some money off the side action I set up and walked away with a free koozie. I’ll definitely be back next week to clean house now that I have it figured out. Hell I might go look for my own turtle and maybe he ends up being some mutant/animal reincarnate of Usain Bolt. Watch out Little Woodrow’s. I’m coming for you.